Joy Based Parenting: It Will Get Done

My daughter has struggled with homework for the
last year. Unfortunately, I struggled right along
with her, which only added to her stress. When I
finally backed off and managed my own anxiety she had the space to find her way.

Last night she had 3 pages of questions to answer, which was a real stretch for her. She was creating a character for a writing project. I kept gently nudging her to start and yet she clearly had her own timing. I thought, in my head, she’ll never get this done but sat back and worked with my projection onto her.

She finally went to bed around 10pm saying she would get up in the morning and finish. Of course, I thought, yeh right, I’ll believe that when I see it. Amazing how those thoughts just push their way into my space.

I woke up around 7am and went in to wake her and lo and behold (trumpets here) she had been awake since 6am working on her questions. I’m sure my jaw dropped to the floor as I had to eat all of my earlier thoughts Oh, how I love having my perceptions busted!

Practice: Today, watch your thoughts around an area in your child’s life where you judge they are behind. See if you can work with your projections inside instead of projecting them outside onto your child. See what happens!

Ms. Purejoy aka Leslie

Joy-Based Parenting: It is time

Everyday, I seem to have a moment of awe witnessing my daughter as she grows and comes into her own.

Cleaning her room has never been high on her list, so over time it became a junk pile. Anything I would find around the house, I would just throw in and shut the door. Slowly, she began to take over my bedroom instead of facing into hers.

Last weekend I spent 2 days, cleaning, organizing and giving away 3 bags of goodies. Whew! I was exhausted and yet in the end we were both excited to see the space. For the first time, she entered her space aware of all the possibilities. She was ready to make it her own.

She spent the next weekend organizing and creating a magical world. Even as I write this she is in there hanging sheets, creating new entrances and delighting in making the space all about her.

Practice: Really take the time to see where your child is in their readiness instead of projecting your timing onto them. Patience is truly a virtue in allowing our children to leap when they are ready.

Joy Based Parenting: Relationship

In our parenting group, this morning,
we explored how each of us have certain
issues which trigger our anxiety.
When this happens, we perceive our
child’s behavior as the cause of this
anxiety and have a need to control
the behavior to relieve the panic inside.

Even though this may work, for the moment, the price we pay is huge.
We blame our children, needing them to shift instead of looking inside to manage our anxiety.

If we have an issue around cleanliness and our child is messy, this can cause anxiety. Instead of working with our internal state, we think getting our child to clean up will stop the anxiety. Instead of connecting with our child and guiding them we use our relationship to control them. They don’t learn intrinsic motivation to clean, they learn to do it so they won’t get in trouble. Yuk!

Practice: Notice when you are feeling anxious in regard to a triggering behavior. See if you can name what is going on inside instead of trying to stop the behavior. Naming it is an authentic response instead of a controlling one.