I just finished “Zero Limits” by Joe Vitale and Ihaleakala Hew Len, PhD. I’m amazed that I haven’t heard about Ho’oponopono. For a long time I’ve known, and tell the Parent Coaches I train, that anytime a parent comes to you they have come to show you a part of yourself. Never think you are healing anyone. You are there to love yourself and if something comes up in you, in response to them, this is your work.

I also believe this as a parent. When my discomfort arises, in relation to something my daughter is doing, I try to find out what is going on in me. She is just doing what she is doing. What is happening in me, is about me. When I take 100% responsibility, for my part, I’m able to see her without projecting my discomfort onto her. It is challenging, especially when I think she has caused my anger, to return to myself and say “I love you.” So, simple and yet so hard to remember in the heat of the moment. A young part of me, wants to blame her for my pain. I try to get her to take care of my needs. When this happens, I am in the past, and want her to make amends for all the wrongs I feel inside. I’m the one who has to make amends and return to my true nature.

Saying, “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me and thank you” are the core of Ho’oponopono and I’m grateful for these simple steps. They support me in cleaning any and all beliefs that could darken my light & love for myself and my daughter.

Practice: Whenever you are judging your child’s behavior see if you can practice saying the simple phrase, “I love you”. Say it to yourself over and over. Remember, you need to hear it from you. Let your child off the hook and return to loving yourself.

Pure Joy

Joy is our essence, pure joy.  In yesterday’s post  we looked at how we can crush our child’s joy by thinking something they are doing is bad for them.  I used the example of my daughter asking to watch Power Rangers.  My judgment of the show being “inappropriate” led me to say no and yet what I missed was engaging in the joy she was experiencing through watching.  It wasn’t about the show, it was about her wanting more of the feeling of connection and joy.  If I am going to choose to say no to the show, I’ve got to make sure I keep the door open and offer a connection, with me, one of joy.  Usually, I am offering her my fear, in the form of judgment, so instead of  connecting  joy up with me she connects it with the Power Rangers.  Wouldn’t you want more?

Mining for our joy can be a treacherous journey.  We have to dig deep into our stories and beliefs that have hidden our most valuable treasure, our joy.  It is often covered with shame, guilt and a feeling of unworthiness which can lead to rage.  Using the power of rage is an incredible digging tool if we stay focused on what we are digging for.  This is why it is so critical to take responsibility for the rage and remember when it comes up in relation to our children, they don’t cause it and they can’t fix it.  They are leading us to our joy, if we choose to go mining.

Whenever my rage comes up, I let me daughter know, she didn’t cause it and she can’t fix it and I’m going mining for my joy.  I sit myself down in my “power” seat (on the couch) and  let the feeling do all the digging.  If I’m able to open and allow the feelings to go deep they will lead me all the way to my joy and wella, I’ve returned to my true essence.

Happy Mining!

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I had an image of taking a picture of a thought!  It was as if, I had a thought, and then took the picture which gave the thought form.  Then I imagined putting that picture on my “life” board and began to live it out as if it were real.  Each time I had a thought, I imagined taking the picture and deciding what to do with it.  Did I want to add it to my board or tear it up.  After all they are just pictures.

As I continued to work, with this process, I thought about my relationship with my daughter and her behaviors.  She has requested  more time on the computer so I began to look at my thoughts around the request.  I saw, in my minds eye, her watching a Power Rangers show, which she is totally into, and feeling uncomfortable with her request to watch more.  My thought was, she is watching way too many episodes and I need to make her get off.  SNAP!  I took the picture of the thought.  I imagined the picture coming out of an old polaroid camera and waited with curiosity to see the shot.  As it slowly rolled out , I saw a confused, hard grimace on my face.  There was no openness in my expression.  My brow was furrowed and I looked like I was in pain.

I then realized this was a familiar picture that lives on my “life” board and it often arises when I am judging something my daughter wants as bad for her.  What I got from the picture is the show was bad for me and yet she was in total joy.  WOW!  What a disconnect.  She is experiencing joy and I am experiencing pain from the same source.  Does that make me right to remove the source of her joy so I won’t have to feel my pain?  Now this was a good movie!

As I slowly pulled the layers off, I realized the movie had nothing to do with my pain, only my judgment of it.  I took a deep breath and first thought about my daugther’s joy, SNAP!  This is a picture worth keeping.  If I can learn to connect with her joy instead of connecting with my judgment about the source of my pain, I may be able to truly meet her and together, we might find joy!

Being a single parent, I get overwhelmed with all the things my daughter leaves around the house.  I am always picking up something that shouldn’t be there.  One of my biggest irritants are those long clear, tube popcicle wrappers.  Of course, I buy boxes of them in the summer and leave them in the freezer for all the neighborhood kids.  They love them and yet I get a little crazy when I find those wrappers all over my house.

Every time I’d find one, I would feel my irritation rise and then I’d yell  at my daughter, “why can’t you put these in the trash, they are driving me crazy.”  I would make my usual threat that I was not going to buy anymore  if she didn’t throw the wrapper in the trash.  Of course, the next time I was at Costco, I’d buy the box again.

Then one day, as I’m about to yell about the wrapper, I stopped and said, “what if every time I saw one of these wrappers I saw it as a note from you saying I love you.”  Well, my daughter loved this and said, “yeah, what if it was written in big letters, I love you , mom?”  We, both got a kick out of this.  The next morning I went down to the kitchen and next to the trash was a wrapper, folded up with a sticky note wrapped around it with a big I love you mom written on the note.  As I picked it up, the joy inside welled up and I knew I’d found another way to see and irritant as a reminder of love.  That wrapper sits in my kitchen window as a reminder.

The ironic part of this story is, my daughter has started putting the wrappers in the trash!  Go figure!

So, let’s replay the water hose scene.  Your child has found the hose for the first time.  They are spraying everything in sight and laughing every time they get soaked.  You look out and notice.  The first thought may be, I’ve got to get them to stop and yet instead of opening the door and yelling at him, you take a moment to breathe.  You watch the feelings inside arise and tell the truth about them.  They are just feelings and you don’t have to act on them.  As you breathe, moving more into the moment, look out and see the delight in your child’s eyes.  Take a moment to experience their delight and to check your desire to control their play.

As your triggered feelings begin to slow and you feel more peace arising, slowly open the door.  See if you can honestly let your child know that you see how much fun they are having.  If you can, go and join them, playing in the water as if you are discovering it for the first time.  See if you can feel the joy and delight your child is feeling.  Once you have joined with your child, and their joy, you will be able to influence the movement.  Your child will experience your openness and delight and be much more receptive to the limits you want to set.

Many parents, I work with, are confused by the term love-based parenting.  They look at me and say, “I love my child, that is not in question.”  “I just want to know how to get them to behave.”  This is a perfect place to begin, for we must begin to look deep inside ourselves to see how we get ourselves to behave appropriately.  I know for myself, and most of the people I work with, fear is what keeps my behavior in line.  My own fear of getting in trouble, with an outside force, is often a motivator, more than a deep connection with what truly feels good to me.  When I do make a choice, from a place of joy, and it triggers someone else, my fear of being in trouble will often shut me down and place a dark blanket over my expressions of joy in the world.  Over time, if this blanket of fear is used to control our children’s behavior, so we don’t feel our own discomfort, they will begin to hide their expressions and can exhibit signs of malaise and depression.  For there is nothing worse than to express your joy and have it misinterpreted by a parent as manipulation, disrespect or defiance.

Example:  When a child is young and finds the water hose for the first time they are thrilled with the delight of the dancing water.  Imagine them in the backyard playing and shooting the water everywhere.  They can play for hours, filled with joy and delight.

Also imagine, you as the parent, looking out and seeing the water going everywhere, all over your new deck, flooding your perfect lawn, hitting the house.If you are concerned about water usage you get triggered by the flagrant waste of a resource.  As you look out, instead of identifying with the pure joy your child is experiencing, you are ready to explode because of your triggers.  You open the door and scream at your child to turn that water off right now.  You can see your child freeze and because they are afraid of your reaction they STOP.  In this moment, your fear has just attached to their joy!  In their small mind, they make an assumption, in that moment, that they did something wrong and the last thing a child wants to do is be in trouble.  In your mind, all you see is that they stopped so you get the reinforcement for using fear to control a behavior that caused you distress.  This continues to work, while they are young, but turns when they start to feel their own power and then they will use fear to control you.

Love-based example tomorrow

I just returned from an incredible adventure on the Yampa River.  With 16 other folks, I spent 6 days camping out and rafting down the river.  This was a first for me and my 9 year old daughter.  I was worried how things would go and yet it became clear, right away, that we were both in our element.  I learned a lot about the river and how she handles deep emotion.  I was told, if we went into a hole that we were supposed to ball up into a little ball and surrender, allowing the river to take us to the bottom and then she would spit us out.   The challenge was to surrender and not struggle to get to the top, which is the initial instinct.   This metaphor struck me deeply for this is what is required when sitting with intense emotions.

When we feel our discomfort, in relation to our children’s behavior, we fall into a hole.  We struggle and resist and do everything we can including, consequencing, controlling and shaming the behavior as we struggle to pop ourselves out of the emotional hole we are in.  And yet, the work is to curl into that ball and surrender as we allow the emotions to take us to the bottom of the hole, and then pop us back out.  Instead of struggling to control the behavior or trying to get our child to rescue us we must go to the bottom of the hole in ourselves and penetrate the limiting belief that creates the intense emotion.   How poignant for we may have avoided this emotional hole for a lifetime.  Our children are sure to show us the holes we have tried to escape and give us the opportunity to learn a new way of riding the waves.

Being a single parent,  I move into overwhelm when I have too much on my plate.  Trying to make sure that everything gets done, often doesn’t leave a lot of down time to take care of me.   Unfortunately, when I am overwhelmed, my daughter, joins right in.  She can’t keep her equalibrium when I am drowning.  Those are the times when we both go after each other, nagging and criticizing.

Bringing awareness to these times, is the first step.  Even though I can’t always shift the state, I can at least acknowledge it.

Example:

We are going on a raft trip this week, so I am totally overwhelmed, trying to pack all the gear and see clients before leaving town.  Of course, the more overwhelm I feel, my energy field is anything but welcoming.  So, instead of helping, my daughter heads out the door to play with friends.  I feel even more burdened and by the time she comes in I am frustrated and ready to go after her.  As we are sitting at the computer, trying to download my camera, I get frustrated and start making some noise.  My sweet girl is sitting there next to me and she says, “Mama, take a deep breath.  You can breathe through it.”  This alone, brings a smile to my face and I start breathing.  She looks at me and says, “I think I’ll breathe with you.”  So here we are, sitting together breathing and smiling at each other.   Suddenly, my overwhelm is managable and my relationship with my daughter is at the forefront!  We giggled our way to bed leaving all the gear for another day.

Usually when I work with a family that has a struggling teen, I begin the work with the parents struggle.  So often we want to “fix” our teen because we think they are the problem.  We assume since they have brought so much discomfort to us, and the family, that if only we could have them “fixed” then everything will go back to normal.

Many families I work with at Vive (http://www.vivenow.com) send their teens away to wilderness programs or residential treatment centers.  Even though everyone gets a respite and the teen does learn and grow, they still have to transition back into the home.

This is when the family has to look at their part in the struggle.  This is a family system and everyone has their part.  When working with parents that feel like victims of their teen, I begin to work with their beliefs and how they have given their power away and now see their teen as a victimizer.   Not a pretty picture!

With a love-based model, the focus turns toward the one that is in the most discomfort, which is usually the parent.  We begin to pull apart their beliefs that don’t allow them to see what is truly going on and therefore show up for the struggling teen.  Taking responsibility for our own discomfort allows us to regulate our own emotional states and therefore be a safe emotional place for our teen to share.

Being a single mother can often be challenging.  Getting my needs met, when I feel responsible for all of the needs in our family, can often seem impossible.  So, I often find myself holding out and holding out and taking care of everyone else and then at some point the damn breaks and I can’t hold back any longer.  In those moments, it feels like I’m going to be a care giver forever.  I’m always going to be cleaning the house, I’m always going to be the maid, I’m always going to be the one who does EVERYTHING!

I forget, that before I know it, I won’t have any popcicle wrappers to pick up.  I won’t have a sweet little girl to snuggle up next to at night, kicking me at 2am in the morning.  All of those things that feel like a nuisance will be gone.  Ahhh!  I take a moment and remember back to “before” and how even though I can fantasize that “life was better” its not the truth.  I longed for the kind of contact I have with my daughter.  I longed to be loved so completely that I could bring joy to another by picking up a popcidle wrapper.  I longed to enter into a world of freedom and joy!  This my daughter gives me in spades.  My challenge is am I willing to join her or continue to think “this will be forever”.