Imparting values, to my daughter, can be tricky business. Often I see the discrepancies about what I say I believe is valuable and what I truly live. I am a firm believer, in theory, of only doing what you love for money. I strive to live out of the saying, “follow your bliss and the money will come.” I’ve often expressed this to my daughter and today I got a challenge to see if this is true.

My daughter is excited about saving her money for an ipad. She was offered a job, working with my neighbor, in his garden which she loves. He told me he’s never seen a kid who loves gardening as much as she does. She comes home, everyday with a smile on her face and some money in her pocket. She is so thrilled that she asked to start a savings account and can hardly wait until her new deposit slips come.

Well, sure enough, I got excited with her and started thinking of all the ways she could make money! Now, remember I’m the one who has told her to do what she loves and the money will come. When a friend asked her to babysit, she said “NO” because she didn’t enjoy it. Then when the neighbor asked her if she wanted to take out his trash and re-cycling (we live in co-housing so she would have to carry it a ways) for $5, she politely said “NO”.

Now before I knew it I heard myself saying, “I thought you wanted money for an ipad?” Then I saw my neighbor and he said, “I was offering her $5 for 20 minutes of work”. The light bulb went on and I looked at him and said, “yes, but she would be doing it only for the money. I’ve taught her to do what she loves and the money will come.” He turned toward me and said, “yea, I still haven’t gotten that one.” I thought to myself, maybe I haven’t either.

Practice: Think about a value you have that you want to impart to your child. See if your actions actually support this value or if you are only giving it lip service. Have fun with this one and maybe, like me, you might enjoy following your own advice.

Think about the last time you saw a new puppy….Remember, when your child was little and saw their first puppy? Watch a video of a puppy licking a little one and experience the joy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-5_SW9zh2w&feature=related

The innocence we experience when love is given freely is always available. It opens our hearts and penetrates even the strongest barriers. For a moment, we remember our tenderness and return to our ground of being, “love”. We forget our struggles and see the reflection of our innocent playful self. Our hearts open, and we give back. Amazing.

This ground of being, “love”, is always present and yet we often cover it with our worries and fears. Especially, as a parent, I find it is easier to focus on all my worries and desires to protect my daughter instead of seeing through the eyes of love. When I’m able to see the innocence in her behaviors instead of focusing on the fear, I’m able to open and embrace a tenderness which holds her in a loving way.

When I’m tight and fearful, I might see her actions as threatening or trying to manipulate me in some way. Innocence is nowhere to be found and in my tightness I want to tighten down on her.

Remembering her playful puppy nature allows me to hold this truth of who she truly is even when she forgets.

Practice: Today, find your playful puppy nature and see how the world appears. Try going out in the world, figuratively licking everyone you see, and watch your heart open. Be the role model for your child and enjoy the fun.

When I adopted my daughter 9 years ago, I promised to be the BEST parent I could be. Honestly, I was afraid to be a mom, so I waited until my forties to adopt. Even though I love children, I was always afraid I might not be able to be the mom I always dreamed I could be.

So, I began the journey of the “try too hard” mom. I rarely found myself relaxing and enjoying the time with my daughter because I was always “trying” to do the right thing, feed her the best food, give her the greatest care… I was so far ahead of myself, I rarely slowed down and just sat on the floor with her.

When I finally slowed down and looked myself in the eye, I was able to see I didn’t need to be perfect. She didn’t care! She didn’t see the messes I saw or thank me for making sure she ate right. She just loved my hugs and kisses and jumping into my arms whenever she saw me. As I took the time, to love myself, for who I am not all I was doing, our relationship
grew and our hearts opened. Today, we cleaned the house together, playing and loving being together.

Practice: Today, instead of focusing on all you haven’t done, take a moment to look in your child’s eyes and see the love pouring toward you. Try letting go of one task and dedicate that time to sitting down on the floor and making a “little” mess! See how it feels!

Conditioning is the programming we received from parents, teachers, society and anyone outside of us, which the mind begins to think is the truth.

Once we begin to identify ourselves with these conditions, we act as if we ARE them, separating us from our pure joy.  It is not even a “bad” thing for we need conditioning for the body to exist.

When it becomes detrimental is when we claim our conditioning to be “me” and then project that conditioning onto our child.  We give them the message unless they meet our condition, we will withdraw our love.

One way I know I am living out of a conditional space is when I “blame” my daughter for making me angry, making me late, keeping me up.  You name it.  Anytime, I am putting “blame” outside I am living from my conditioned self.  Taking the responsibility, for seeing my identification with my learned conditions, is a great liberator and opens a space between us where unconditional love can awaken.

Practice:  Today watch when you want to blame your child for your upset.  Instead of lashing out, go in, and see how you are identifying with your condition which belives your child is responsible for your happiness!  Turn it around and know  you are responsible for your happiness.  In releasing them, the space is open for pure joy to enter.

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I had an image of taking a picture of a thought!  It was as if, I had a thought, and then took the picture which gave the thought form.  Then I imagined putting that picture on my “life” board and began to live it out as if it were real.  Each time I had a thought, I imagined taking the picture and deciding what to do with it.  Did I want to add it to my board or tear it up.  After all they are just pictures.

As I continued to work, with this process, I thought about my relationship with my daughter and her behaviors.  She has requested  more time on the computer so I began to look at my thoughts around the request.  I saw, in my minds eye, her watching a Power Rangers show, which she is totally into, and feeling uncomfortable with her request to watch more.  My thought was, she is watching way too many episodes and I need to make her get off.  SNAP!  I took the picture of the thought.  I imagined the picture coming out of an old polaroid camera and waited with curiosity to see the shot.  As it slowly rolled out , I saw a confused, hard grimace on my face.  There was no openness in my expression.  My brow was furrowed and I looked like I was in pain.

I then realized this was a familiar picture that lives on my “life” board and it often arises when I am judging something my daughter wants as bad for her.  What I got from the picture is the show was bad for me and yet she was in total joy.  WOW!  What a disconnect.  She is experiencing joy and I am experiencing pain from the same source.  Does that make me right to remove the source of her joy so I won’t have to feel my pain?  Now this was a good movie!

As I slowly pulled the layers off, I realized the movie had nothing to do with my pain, only my judgment of it.  I took a deep breath and first thought about my daugther’s joy, SNAP!  This is a picture worth keeping.  If I can learn to connect with her joy instead of connecting with my judgment about the source of my pain, I may be able to truly meet her and together, we might find joy!

I just returned from an incredible adventure on the Yampa River.  With 16 other folks, I spent 6 days camping out and rafting down the river.  This was a first for me and my 9 year old daughter.  I was worried how things would go and yet it became clear, right away, that we were both in our element.  I learned a lot about the river and how she handles deep emotion.  I was told, if we went into a hole that we were supposed to ball up into a little ball and surrender, allowing the river to take us to the bottom and then she would spit us out.   The challenge was to surrender and not struggle to get to the top, which is the initial instinct.   This metaphor struck me deeply for this is what is required when sitting with intense emotions.

When we feel our discomfort, in relation to our children’s behavior, we fall into a hole.  We struggle and resist and do everything we can including, consequencing, controlling and shaming the behavior as we struggle to pop ourselves out of the emotional hole we are in.  And yet, the work is to curl into that ball and surrender as we allow the emotions to take us to the bottom of the hole, and then pop us back out.  Instead of struggling to control the behavior or trying to get our child to rescue us we must go to the bottom of the hole in ourselves and penetrate the limiting belief that creates the intense emotion.   How poignant for we may have avoided this emotional hole for a lifetime.  Our children are sure to show us the holes we have tried to escape and give us the opportunity to learn a new way of riding the waves.

Looking at our judgments and perceptions, in relation, to our children’s behavior is a great place to see how difficult it is to accept what is.  Because of our conditioning and our deep beliefs, we have ideas of “how” our children should behave.  A lot of these perceptions are rooted in “what will other people think”.

I hear so many moms, saying that when they are at home, they are much more open to their child’s expression.  When they begin to feel their own discomfort, in relation to a behavior, they are more capable of relaxing and questioning their own judgments when in their own safe space.  And yet, as soon as their child exhibits, the same behavior, out in public all the relaxation and curiosity go out the window.  They immediately regress, into a strong need, to please the external pressure, and often forget that their child is the one who needs them.

I know I’ve been there and when talking with my daughter after wards, she is able to express to me how she feels I choose the other over her.  She doesn’t feel that I am her champion supporting her, because in my fear of being seen as a “bad” mom I choose them over her.  Instead of loving what is, I want to control what is so that I can feel better.  In my attempt to take care of my need, the one person, that I want to be there for feels I have left her.

So, learning to attune to our own internal states, under stress, will allow us to embrace a more “loving” state, joining with what truly is.

The number one key in love-based parenting is seeing your relationship with your child as the priority. Our children are able to read our energetic messages that we are sending them more than our words. How many times have you been calm and collective, on the outside and boiling on the inside in response to an unwanted behavior? Which one do you think your child feels?

We have been taught to focus on behavior and if we can stop them through consequences, punishing , timing out or withdrawing love, then the goal has been met. Unfortunately, what has been compromised is the loving relationship with our child. Instead of seeing us as understanding and capable of taking care of their needs. They quickly learn, that they are responsible for making us happy. This motivates children to please or on the other hand become defiant and aggressive and act out. Both, are ways of coping when their needs are not met.

Love-based parenting requires us to look at our relationship with ourselves. We must look at our agendas and see if our needs, for them to behave, are more important than their needs to be seen, heard and validated. Children are naturally dependent on us and it is our responsibility to meet their needs. This doesn’t mean that our needs are not important, it is critical though, to see that we can take care of our needs and not put them in the hands of our child. When we do this, we are making them the parent. So, through this journey, as a loving parent, we will be led back into our own childhood and how our needs may not have been met. The beauty, as an adult, is that we have the full capacity to get those needs met, in a mature way, and therefore we can show up for our child as the loving adult they need. Example tomorrow!

Today we will be talking about what Joy-Based Parenting is. To do this we must fist define the word love in the context we will be using. We often think of love, for our child, as “caring” for them but in the dictionary care, the noun, is defined as “a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern” . Even though, we feel many of these things, in relation to our children, they all have more to do with the head than the heart. Love is not an emotion.

Unconditional love describes neutrality-the absence of judgments, censorship, desire and worry. This is why it is so critical, that we reference back to our own experience in relation to our child’s behavior. If I am feeling, judgmental, critical or worried in relation to my daughters behavior, she is going to feel the energy of these emotions and I know that I am not going to make a “loving” move toward her. I may get her to stop a behavior, that causes me discomfort, and yet the price I pay is her feeling controlled and misunderstood. This creates a fear response, in her, and a move away from me since I am not a safe emotional presence. Energetically, this is actually appropriate because she is reading the energy of my emotional state, which doesn’t attract her toward me but repels her away.

Even though I may defend and justify my actions, as caring, I am always left with a feeling that I just used “love” as a commodity, to get my daughter to do what I wanted her to do. My heart hurts, and then my own judgments and criticisms of myself take precedent. A vicious energetic cycle begins, and then “fear” pushes us both further from each other, while “love” is just a moment away for it always exist, even when the illusion of fear is present. Stepping into my love and therefore moving to a more neutral space, within myself, allows me to reach out again and open the door to my heart. Example tomorrow!

I awakened this morning to a beautiful poem written by my 9 year old daughter.

I love you when you give me ice cream cones

I love you

I love you like the wind loves the sky and the sky loves the world and the world the UNIVERSE

Whew!  I think this is all there is to say!