Purejoy Parenting

Today, I found myself picking up one of my favorite books, The Journey by Arnold Patent. I opened to the page on Self-Validation. “Self-validation means accepting, appreciating and loving myself unconditionally as whole and complete just the way I am. The signal that I have not reached that place is when I look for someone or something for validation.”

This made me contemplate on how often I seek validation from my daughter. When I’m feeling down on myself and wanting to know I’m a good mom, I look to her for validation. Of course, when I’m in that space, she validates the false belief I’m viewing myself through. I’m unworthy. When I believe this is true, I look outside to confirm this belief. My daughter, does a great service by shining the light on this false belief.

When I’m able to accept and appreciate myself, I don’t ask my daughter to do it for me. When I’m in this space, I’m able to be available to her and all her expressions, knowing she is finding her way to acceptance of herself. When she feels my deep appreciation, for who she is, not for how she acts, she can see herself as whole and complete just the way she is.

Practice: Begin to notice when you are seeking your child’s acceptance and validation for being a good parent. See how critical and demanding you get when you need to hear from them how important you are. When you notice, take a moment, sit with yourself, and acknowledge how important you are to you.

Yesterday, my daughter, asked me to get something for her I didn’t want to get. What I found myself doing, instead of just saying no, was telling her, “I’m not the servant around here,” or “I just did so and so for you a minute ago.” I kept defending my “no” by making her feel bad about asking. Arrgg!

I knew, in my heart of hearts, something didn’t feel good but I couldn’t put my finger on it until later in the day. She was about to ask me for a glass of water (I was standing right by the cooler) and she stopped herself saying, “no, never mind, that might be too much for you.” I was standing right there! In an instant, the flash came, that she had been getting the message to monitor her desires because she didn’t want to hear me call her an Empress one more time.

As a parent coach, I coach parents to support their child’s desires. I recommend, even when saying no to a request, they still tell their child, good for you for asking. Because the truth is, you never know who might say yes. Also, if you learn to stuff down those desires, you learn to get your needs met through manipulation. I want my daughter to know her desires can and will be met, just not always by me.

Here I was going against my good coaching advice. I love when that happens because it gives me tons of compassion and authenticity when sharing with other moms and dads. We are all in this together, yes?

Practice: When your child ask you for something, see if you can just say yes or no without making them wrong for asking. Practice asking yourself, and see if you can be as loving when you hear no as you are to yes.

From the first moment our child gazes into our eyes, she/he connects us with love. They depend on seeing the loving look in our eyes to feed their souls. When we focus on seeing them through the lens of judgment or fear they begin to see this inside themselves.

I was suggesting a new dance class to my daughter. She is anxious about starting new classes so in response she gave me her big NO WAY! I dropped it, knowing pushing her would send her the other way, but later in the day she told me to come look at a video she had found on break dancing. I could sense a “light” awakening in her and a spark of curiosity arising. When I suggested we go watch a break dancing class she immediately got angry and said NO! I quickly saw the light in my eyes turn dark and focused on her always saying NO instead of focusing on the light I’d seen a few moments before.

When I was able to soften, telling her I could see she was nervous at the thought of starting something new, she grew curious. I told her how I knew when she got mad at me, about my suggestions, she was just scared. I shared with her how I’m the same way. We both softened, at that point, and agreed to just go watch a class. Focusing on engaging the light instead of focusing on the judgment brought light to both our eyes.

Practice: Today, see if you can be aware when you are seeing through your lens of love. Also, be aware when you are seeing, your child, through the lens of judgment or fear. Remember, whatever lens you are seeing them through is the lens you are seeing yourself. Practice seeing the light in your own eyes.

I love when Spring is right around the corner. In Colorado we jump from 60 degrees days to the next waking to snow and rain. It’s an amazingly volatile time when I get to experience my tendency of wanting things to stay the same. Today was a sunny, warm beautiful day. Tonight the snow is coming in. I can feel my resistance to the huge shifts, which are all part of Spring, in our neck of the woods.

Seeing how I resist the swings, made me think about how I often resist my daughter’s emotional swings. When she is in a good place and in her sunny disposition, I relax and act as if this weather is going to stay forever. I’m always caught, a bit off guard, when she shifts into a moody state in a moments notice. I see how I resist and keep trying to encourage her to return to a lighter place. Just like I do the weather.

Learning to embrace the fluctuations of the season teaches me to see my daughter’s emotional states as temporary. This allows me to stay in the moment, flowing with the shifts, knowing the sun will soon shine again.

Practice: As the Spring season comes upon us, notice how the weather has its own patterns and no matter how you may want them to change, they just are. It’s not personal. Then begin to see how your child’s emotional states have their own patterns and as long as you don’t take them personally you can enjoy the ride.