Joy Based Parenting: Conserving your energy

My friend Greg, did an energy audit on
my home. He went around checking to
see where there were energy leaks and
offered me solutions to use the energy
wisely. A home that runs
efficiently is a happy home!

Later he and I were talking and began looking at the energy leaks
we both experience while parenting. We leak out our anger, our
intolerance, our judgments and most of all our need to control.

Instead of conserving our energy and focusing on efficiently
using our emotional energy to facilitate connection we
found lots of leaks caused by worry, guilt and
shame. When this happens our back-up power kicks in trying
to control our kids as if this will stop the leaks.

The truth is, these leaks are not caused by our children. They
are inside us and we are responsible for attending to them.
Learning to be aware of old beliefs, false perceptions and
distorted thinking, which cause leaks, allows us to start
attending to them creating a more sustainable relationship.

Practice: Take an energy audit to see how much energy you spend
trying to control your child vs connecting with them. Every time you
react instead of respond to your child, notice how you leaked out your
vital energy. Practice re-setting each time you notice.

Joy Based Parenting: The Battle of Wills

I will get you to listen to me…..NO!

I will get you to eat your greens….NO!

Any of these sound familiar?
Can you see a pattern here?
The more willful I get the more I
engage my daughter’s willfulness
and the battle begins.

The battlefield can be any of the above issues and once the gauntlet
has been laid down there is no going back. Who will win this artful
game of wills? Ahhh, yes, it does become about winning or losing
doesn’t it? Now as the parent, isn’t it my sole duty to win and let her
know who is boss? Won’t she take advantage of me and disrespect
me if I let her win? On and on the rationalizations guide me toward
the path of control. And yet, what if it really isn’t about winning or
losing? Or maybe it is about both? Is there room for her will and
my will? Ahhhh, what happens when I relax my personal willfulness
and open to a greater guidance? Hmmmmmm…..Seems she opens
to…….could this be so?

Softening to my need to be in charge and forcing my agenda allows
me to make space for my daughter’s agenda. When this happens,
miraculously we end up with an all together different agenda,
connection. Through this connection we have a way of accepting
and loving each other in a profound way. I then become a support,
for my daughter, guiding her to care for her being, respect herself
and know in the deepest core of her heart that she is lovable. Isn’t
this what I truly signed up for?

Practice: Today become aware when you are in a battle of wills
with your child. Notice how you get tight in your body, hard in your
voice and determined to win. See if you can take a breath and soften
your position knowing the point isn’t to win or lose but to connect
with your child in a joyful way. Explore what happens and see if you
can find a greater willingness to make connection your priority.

Joy Based Parenting: I Need You To Change

When we finally realize no changes,
not even changes in ourselves will make
us happy we begin to be with “what is”
and show up in the present moment with
our child.

When resisting “what is” we step into judging
“what is” convincing ourselves we need it to change.

Imagine seeing all of your child’s expressions
as sacred.

Only our judgment of their behavior,
in the moment, mask the truth and
convince us THEY need to change!

With only ONE judgment, we move from
being an unconditionally loving presence
to a conditional one.

Today: Notice when your child’s behavior
causes you discomfort and instead of controlling
their behavior, see if you can name the judgment,
in you, that is creating the discomfort putting
a barrier between your heart and your child.