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The Purejoy Parenting Blog

Starting Anew

Starting Anew

  

Excited I made it to 2023. 🤣 2022 was a challenging year and I’m looking forward to embracing the newness of 2023. How about you? 

Starting anew is the focus this week in Purejoy. What does that even mean? How do you enter your days stepping into the intimacy of the moment? Especially with parenting it often feels easier to fall back on book knowledge and conditioned thinking to guide you forward. Trusting in your capacity to enter each moment and to parent from your heart is a mighty task especially if you were trained to doubt yourself and your wisdom.
 
The question I always asked myself is “Where am I parenting from? “ instead of “how am I parenting”. Especially when I felt powerless to get my daughter to do just about anything…I’d desperately scramble looking in my knowledge bank for the answers. Being intimate with the feeling of powerlessness was not something I was supported to do. I was taught to resist that feeling, bury that feeling, run from that feeling, control that feeling as quickly as I could. In my desperation to avoid feeling powerless I searched for any and every way to control my environment and my daughter.                                         
Focusing on” if I parent this way then my child will turn out this way” is parenting in the imagined future. Focusing on “meeting the moment with an open heart” is parenting in the present. Entering into the experience in the present is an opportunity to offer support for your child’s experience not sharing your experience of what you believe to be true.                
Everything you offer your child is based on your experience and knowledge and probably worked for you. And, yet your child is having a different experience, living in a different environment and facing different circumstances than you did. Their world is filled with experiences you didn’t have. Did you have access to unlimited information at your fingertips? Probably not.
 
Meeting your child’s world and experience often triggers feelings of powerlessness and can challenge your role as a parent. If you feel you need to be in control of what they do, how they do it, when they do it as an attempt to prepare the for the future you are refusing to be intimate with the moment.                                                                                                                              
The truth is it is extremely vulnerable to open up the groundless ground you find yourself on. Searching for ways to control the discomfort, you feel inside, keeps you from fully opening  the greatest gift of parenting: open-hearted relating.   
                                                                                                                   
Imagine offering your child the gift of your tender open heart instead of your knowledge of how to be in a world? What might our world look like if every child entered society with a heart filled with love and knowing they are a gift in and of themselves. Maybe, a lofty vision and yet it happens one child at a time. 
Working With Discomfort

Working With Discomfort

Here we are in the space between Christmas and New Year. So curious! Life is sort of just hanging out, the kids are home from school, we’ve had wild weather in the US that changed a lot of people’s holiday plans, and it’s the last week of 2022!

How was your Christmas? Your year? Are you ready to close it and begin a new one?

It’s been a big year for me! I’m coming up on the graduation of my 4th Purejoy Parent Coach training, I traveled to Lithuania, one son graduated from high school, we traveled as a family for 6 weeks in the summer, I’ve studied through numerous courses and read a handful of books. Lots of big growth, over here.

So what we’re taking a closer look at here today, as we consider the closing of the year and the beginning of a new one is how often we think that happiness is a lack of discomfort, of the hard things- yeah? Have you felt that way? Especially in your parenting. I know for me it’s often about, if I could just get this done, or if the kids would just get to bed, or go to school (we’ve had a lot of snow days here this year), then I would be comfier, and then happier.

I spend a lot of energy trying to create comfort.

It is really challenging when I feel uncomfortable, especially when it’s about my children and the ways they’re going about their life- how they behave, what they say, how they choose to spend their time. I often feel like I’ve done something wrong and I see how I parented some of my children from a different perspective when I was younger than the one I hold now after much parenting practice. There is a niggling voice inside that says- if I was getting this right by now it wouldn’t be so hard, or they would get along, or I wouldn’t be sad, mad, powerless, helpless. I should be more comfortable by now!

When I slow down and offer love to all of it, I sense the incredible amount of energy and power it takes to have complete control of the environment, especially my kiddos!

They are new to this world, they’re young, they are constantly growing, changing, adapting and forming. Their energy is exploring the world with pure curiosity and organizing- it’s not secure. It’s not predictable.

When I’m willing to see it this way- it’s almost laughable how hard I try at times to make sure that everything is always the same, that I have this desire to be able to make the environment take care of me.

I then take a look at what true happiness might look like for me, if I consider that it might also come with some discomfort too. (remember the battery analogy from a few blogs ago). If I only consider that happiness offers me comfort, and my children to be agreeable, then I’m not able to show up in the challenging moments for my kiddos. Then I’m going to use my power over or control song and dance to get us to change in the moment we are in. Our happiness is pinned on their good behavior or whatever it takes to make mama comfy.
I find myself in my own childhood memories of needing to be something for someone else, acting in ways towards my children I promised I never would!

When I started practicing loving kindness for all the parts of me in my SacredSeat, and I mean ALL of them- the uncomfy ones, the sad ones, the mad ones, I had to first learn how to be with them in my body. I said to myself, no one is wrong or bad here, it’s no one’s fault, these feelings are inside of me and I’ve just tucked them away for so long they’re foreign and out of practice. I wiling to welcome them back in, here in the safety of my imagination.

That set me up differently when I entered into the discomfort of my child’s ungroundedness. I wasn’t expecting them to tether me. Rather, I grounded into my moment, just as I was, all feelings welcome and offered them support for exactly what was arising for them in the moment as well.

That practice was very supportive for me, it still is, but what has been so profound is practicing with other parents who are in similar situations, parenting their children. I was invited to the Purejoy view by one of my closest friends. We started out in a Parenting Paused course together almost 6 years ago and we’ve talked weekly, often daily ever since! I don’t have to go this alone. I would not be where I am today in my parenting, a place I deeply appreciate, if it wasn’t for finding a friend in the same work.

If you’re curious to join in practicing with other parents we have an opportunity for you! The SacredSeat 30 day challenge will kick off on January 2. This is a group experience where we spend the first 30 days of the new year together. You’ll get daily prompts to turn back towards the vulnerable part of you that still wishes to control your environment. You’ll have an opportunity to discover old strategies that kept you safe as a child and yet keep you from showing up more present and grounded for your child. You’ll receive community support and love to offer kindness to yourself and your family.

For more info – Click Here

How Do You Treat Yourself?

How Do You Treat Yourself?

Welcome to all of the new folks who have made your way here via the Happily Family conference!

This week we’re talking about how you treat yourself.

When my kiddos were little I was really focused on having a healthy relationship with them. I wanted to be the best mom ever- that they knew without a doubt that they were so very loved!

I didn’t know anything about how to turn back and have a relationship with myself. I was not aware of all my interactions with myself that were running in the background of my life.

I had this whole internal experience that I was unaware of- I had so wisely learned to focus on the external as a little one. It was second nature to keep my attention on them and their behavior and attempt to manage that.

The gift of my SafeSeat practice opened up my awareness of how this was working inside of me. It offered a really beautiful space to cultivate a loving relationship with internal parts of me that were longing to be seen and heard. It was a really different way to be, to put my attention inside instead of focusing outside. .

When I did it was shocking to witness all the hate and aggression that lived in there! I saw how in stressful moments that aggression often snuck up and out in reaction towards my kiddos- even when I had all this effort invested in making sure they behaved in a way that it didn’t. It got in the way of my true love.

You too?

It’s important to remember that you weren’t born with the concepts that you were mean, rude, aggressive or selfish. None of those things existed in you naturally when you were a baby. You didn’t know that if you reached out to get your needs met, or following your desires, that you would be labeled. Over time, to take care of yourself, you began to self-aggress toward those parts of yourself and the behaviors they inspired to keep them in check.

The tricky part is that those repressed needs, wants and desires didn’t just go away. They’re still tucked way down inside there somewhere you put them when you were young and they were not met with love.

Now as a parent, when your child exhibits similar behaviors, driven by similar internal experiences, you sense that energy and your safety strategy takes over- you overpower them to try and bring comfort to your overloaded system. You control, punish, consequence or emotionally manipulate them so they will stop their behavior and then you can relax.

It’s really hard! So understandable <3
So in Purejoy we support you in turning inward , to your internal experience, to all those places you had to leave yourself to stay safe in the love and see what lives there.

For me, when I was able to do this, I realized I was controlling my kiddos so I didn’t have to feel all those repressed and abandoned feelings. If I could just get them to do what I wanted I could relax, be better, and feel like a good mama. I found myself ascribing labels to my kids the same way I was told my energy was not ok as a kiddo.

Turning back inward towards all those feelings and choosing to cultivate a loving relationship with myself I was able to show up in the moment for all the feelings my kiddos experienced without judgment, without labeling them and their experience.

When a behavior shows up that you don’t like, or triggers discomfort inside , ask yourself- where does that live inside of me? How am I treating myself? Am I being kind to my desires? Am I kind towards my needs? Approaching Christmas will probably give you some opportunities to practice, yeah?

What I found was that the support I was willing to give myself was also what would support my kids, to keep my heart open and in love with all of who they are.

Play and Laughter

Play and Laughter

Hello Everyone! Who’s getting excited about the holidays? Yeah? No?

I find myself a mix of serious-adult-must-get-things-done and also dropping into some of the wonder, awe and excitement my kiddos are bringing, as usual. 

I’ve said before here, but again… I LOVE kiddos and always have. I’m a mama to 5, I used to teach handwork to a Waldorf homeschool co-op, I’m an auntie, I became a parent coach, I really love understanding more and more about the world of the children around me. 

I see how as a culture we really put a lot on their shoulders as far as taking care of the adults.

The Purejoy view has really supported me to notice where I get stuck in the seriousness of life, of my mothering, my adulting, and then to open up to what is available to me when I’m willing to see through my child’s highest value of play- of delight and curiosity and exploring life as a gift all around us!

Kids love to have fun- to play and laugh!

I remember when I was a younger mama, I had these long lists of things for us to do. It was all centered around accomplishing things and getting them done. It was one step then another, even play time was scheduled! I was trying so hard to bring some resemblance of ease into our busy and full days. Most of the time I was barking at the kids to do this or that, to move to the next thing, to finish up, to start now. It was quite the agenda! I can see now how they were not able to meet my expectations, or my values, of order and accomplishment, of being able to end the day with a well-checked list. It wasn’t their job to make me feel better about my serious business of being an adult!

When I was able to slow down and look at this, I could feel the pushing and pulling in me.  Part of me seemed to feel it was dangerous to relax, have fun, and enjoy my kiddos. I had an old story that we had to be productive, and efficient, and get things done. We had to prove ourselves. 

As we often do here in this practice, I decided to at least try releasing the expectation, not make a list, take a deep breath and join their high value of laughter and playfulness. I made a commitment to learning from them!

I’ve cleared the schedule for long wanders following kids when there was shopping or errands to get done.

I’ve played video games with my big boys when I could have been napping with little ones. 

I’ve braided, knit, and sewn new creations with my daughter when I could have been working.


Early on in this practice I colored and drew pictures rather than dishes and laundry.

It blew me away!  The things still got done!

By the end of the day, or the week or the month, I recognized that I was far more open-hearted in our relationship than my previous form of pressuring myself and my kids to be so darn serious! 

I often interact with folks in my community and the Purejoy spaces who feel the same pressure I did back then. That the kids needed to learn to be responsible, and I was on a mission to do it!

What slowing down and noticing their delight did in me was that I actually saw that they were very responsible for the things that mattered most to them. When my agenda eased up on them and I began to own the things that mattered to me- i.e. toys picked up, garbage is taken out, school work finished a new creative energy emerged in me that supported us to work tougher more on the same page. If I was willing to consider their high values, I could actually work with them to get their cooperation with mine. 

We mixed my adult high values for some order and accomplishment, with theirs for connection with others and play!  I think that’s what the secret sauce was. We released the pressure to perform on that one, we made space for the reality of our days, and we were able to see it for what it was and engage with what supported us to all get along in them.

It’s not perfect by any means. It’s not always easy to link our values and work together. They let me know how much they don’t like to pick up their things or start their bedtime routine. What I notice now is that I can listen to their disgruntled expressions, and their whining and not take it as a personal attack on my serious attempts to accomplish my agenda and feel like a good mom. 

The BEST part is that I found out that I had a lot of fun when I entered into my kiddo’s world in this way. I actually had a blast playing video games, coloring, and creating!  When I turned back to my duties my heart was full and light of kiddo time I moved through those chores quickly in hopes to get back to something fun!

Now, after lots of practice, I’ve narrowed down my high values too! They never were checklists and rigor! That was learned. My high values are about learning, reading, and teaching so I make sure those are in there too. Fun time with kids, of course getting the responsibilities of adult life done, and then some minutes for me to read, think and write!

My encouragement this week is to take some time to consider what are your high values. See what it is like to honor play and laughter for your kiddos, but also to drop a dose of seriousness and pick up something you truly love to do!

 

Do you feel STUCK?

Do you feel STUCK?

Have you ever felt stuck!? 

It’s a common parenting conundrum, for sure. I’ve been there many times. I get stuck in frustrations, sadness, the mom guilt cycle we have talked about here before. 

In the Purejoy view we see that you are never truly stuck, but that you might have a one-sided view of the situation at hand. 

Here is a metaphor to support.  You’ve had a dead battery in your car before- yeah? You open the hood of your vehicle and locate the battery. It has two poles, one positive and one negative. In order to restore power to the dead battery you have to connect both of them to the support source. You have to hook up the negative and the positive.  If you only attach one, you will still be sitting there all day- you’ll be stuck.  And yet when you  connect them both you restore power and then you’re on your way!!!

So often when you are feeling stuck it’s because you’ve got one side of the situation hooked up.  The good news is you can practice hooking up the other side also.

In my own parenting journey there have been many times where I was only focused on the negative aspects of a situation with my child. For a time one of my kiddos was hitting quite a lot.  He was hitting his sister, the neighbor kids, even me a few times. It was intense, no doubt, and all I could see was that he was being aggressive, hurting others, and that if he couldn’t stop big bad things would happen to him, things that were way out in the future. 

I was really stuck, I could not get him to stop. 

I could make a long list of negative things I saw, the drawbacks of hitting, and quickly.

Here’s what I’ve practiced over time when I have a long list like that.  If one of the sides come quick and easy. I realize I have one side hooked up, and support myself to find the other side. First, I zoom way out, and see that the world is what it is- it’s moving along in neutrality and there truly is nothing wrong or bad- only what is. 

From that view I can challenge myself to find the other side. 

Back to the example of my son hitting.  I sat down with a fresh sheet of paper and said what are the benefits of him hitting!? I can still feel a whole body cringe to remember that moment. Benefits? Of hitting? But ok…I’m safe here sitting in my SacredSeat, in my imagination where in neutrality (the world view above) I trust there is the other side if I am willing to look for it.  I’m wishing to get unstuck with this one, and be in true relationship with my child in his moment.

I start by saying- find one, you can find one benefit of his hitting. So I borrowed the one he shared with me, that he really needed the neighbor kiddo to get away from him. Ok! self-defense, that’s one. Then a question that deepens- what’s the benefit of self-defense? He’s holding his boundaries.


I kid you not! Just a few moments into finding the benefits of hitting I felt more connected to my truth as a parent.  Something shifted for me. I saw the brilliance of my child’s behavior, of all the ways he was taking care of himself and setting boundaries. My energy was restored. I felt it in my body.  I was more relaxed, more present.  I had new and more creative ideas now to support my child with what feelings drove him to hit and the curiosity to connect both the negatives and the positives. 

It went on a bit more, and as I  uncovered more benefits, others revealed themselves. His hitting was yes, boundary-setting, but it was also his embodied feelings, it was communication.  Was it a mature way of getting his needs met, no. He was only seven at the time, after all. It really began to paint a picture of the support he might need, and the capacity he had to take care of himself in a moment I was not with him. 

I really felt the value of seeing the behavior from both sides, how it invited me into intimacy with my child and his feelings that drove it.

In time I applied this to other parenting moments I felt stuck in. 

With my teens and their love of video games! I was stuck in a view of only the negative, again. I thought it was all bad and they were rotting their brains! I believed many parenting tips I had heard about the negative effect of screen time. The list of why it was all bad was quick and easy. 

So I took the other side. I practiced- what are the benefits? What are the games like? What does screen time give them? I even tried some of their games!


I found relaxation, entertainment, delight, and consistency. They were engaged, they worked hard, and they were so happy! They were creative and expressive!

It was beautifully connecting to meet them where they were, in the experience they were having. I had to be willing to see the other side. 

Here’s what I know now. That the other side is always there it’s just that I’m fixated on the side that serves my beliefs or views. That’s how I get stuck. When I am willing to hook up the other side, the other polarity, I notice I am more free to be myself alongside my kiddos, supporting them to find what works well for them, for their life, and their experience. 

So try it this week- if you find yourself really listing out all the reasons something is positive or negative. Hook up the other polarity and see what kind of energy flows into your parenting batteries! 

 

How I Treat Myself

How I Treat Myself

Welcome, Welcome to those of you who have made your way here via the Happily Family Conference!

When I was young I dreamed that one day I would be a mama! I would pick out names and imagine outfits for my future children while I mopped floors at my first job as the church janitor.

I LOVE kids! A lot! I always have. I’m fascinated by them too!

I had all of my 6 kids in a span of 9 years- and of course, it was delightful to welcome each of them into the world, to actually name them- in real life, my girlhood dreams come true!

It was also really challenging- really hard at times.

One of my babes died of SIDS when he was two months old. I gave birth to twins! My partner worked out of state for long stretches of time. There were full days, even weeks where the only other humans I interacted with were my kids.

At times being a mom has meant isolation and unending exhaustion while trying to stay with the constant need for snacks and meals, rides to practice, clean clothes, big feelings, sibling squabbles, individual attention to the kids, time outside the house…the list could go on for quite a while.

I knew I still wanted to be a mama, but why was it so challenging- this one thing I had wanted so deeply? I never imagined it would be so hard.

You probably have your version of this too- yeah? How you both long to be a parent and it’s also really difficult.

Parenting really does have a profound way of showing us these disowned traits and unresolved energies we’ve been talking about over the last few weeks here in the Purejoy blog.

Until I became a parent, especially these long hard days at home with two babes and a toddler and the two big kids as well- I had been able to organize my life in such a way that I could avoid those feelings and traits.

If you find yourself in a hard or challenging place- first, offer yourself some loving kindness.

You can put your hand on your heart right now- and close your eyes and speak kindly to yourself.

I see you, Mama! This is really difficult! You are trying so hard! You love your kiddo so much! And, it’s a LOT!

It can be really difficult to see something this hard as an opportunity, but in my experience, that was the truth. My suffering gave me a chance to know and love myself in a more true way. I still hated that it was hard! But I did learn to love myself amidst it.

In hindsight, I can see now the opportunity that was there for me right in the middle of the difficulty and chaos- as these parts of me awakened in response to my children’s needs, wants, and the innocence of their self-expression. I was able to check out my stories, really listen to the ways I treated myself on the inside, and make new choices about that.

If you were at the Happily Family conference you probably heard Leslie’s talk about setting personal boundaries as an internal job- that’s how we view it in Purejoy. The definition of a boundary is – what is ok and not ok with me, about how I treat myself.  It’s not about how others treat me. Take a minute to really think about this one.

With this view of boundaries, I had to consider that I cannot expect my child to give me something I am not first willing to give myself. It’s not about controlling, or limiting, or punishing my kiddos to get them to behave in a way that I have not learned to take care of myself- to treat myself kindly.

This is a radically different way to see boundary setting- so give yourself some time to wrap your mind and heart around it.

For me, it took quite some time to really get what this meant.

There were lots of factors that supported me to believe that the only way for me to finally feel good inside, about myself, was to get everything in my environment under control and working well. So I kept limiting and managing my kids so that I could feel good about myself. It always backfired because I was working in relation to my own discomfort.

The discomfort was inside of me. It was about what I thought was best for them, what the books told me we should do, what my family said was best for kids, and how we never seemed to be nailing that! I was worried that too much sugar would rot their teeth- the dentist said. I was nervous that screens would fry their brains- I had read an article online. I was scared that their hitting each other would ruin their sibling relationship forever. If I could just get them to clean up, if I could just get them to eat better, if I could just get them off the screens- the internal judgment would stop and I could get out of my discomfort.

What this new view of boundaries supported me to do is take stock of how I was talking to myself- about who I was, what kind of mom I was being, about all the ways I was messing this up. It was brutal. I would never talk to another person the way I discovered I was running on autopilot always inside my mind.

I slowed down, way down in my SafeSeat, and got curious about how I wanted to treat myself. In that moment, I could make the switch to loving rather than hating, towards myself, before I moved to the kiddos. It took practice and still, there are times I blow past this one precious moment where I can access my choice as an adult. To honor a boundary about how I treat myself.

Talk to the Feeling

Talk to the Feeling

I love to listen to my kiddos- to really listen.

(Most of the time- the opposite is also true and sometimes I ask them to stop talking!)

A favorite stage of development in each of my kiddos was eighteen months to two years when they really started telling me things using their new words! How fascinating it was to watch them discover ways to talk and tell me about their world.

One of my teachers, who shares information on working with trauma, says that’s how we reclaim our disowned parts we’ve been talking about the last few weeks, we make sense of the story of us.

For me, telling stories is a vital part of making sense of being human – it’s one way I can organize my experiences and share that with my loved ones, especially when I need support.

Learning how to listen to my children was about understanding the story at two different levels.

Of course there is the more obvious one, that we’ve all learned to pay attention to in our world- tone of voice, words, meaning and conclusion. I hear how it is for them. I can ask for clarification, and for them to share more where I sense it’s needed. I’m gathering the information so I can speak to them in their language and understanding of the moment.

But this was the new part for me and I imagine it might be a new concept for you too? That there is also a feeling below the words. The words are the conduit for the feeling. My child is turning to me to share the energetic charge of their feeling, and if I practice, and am skillful enough, some of the times I am able to enter their feeling world, their experience while meeting the feelings and supporting them there.

It is a more profound way to be in the moment with them.

For example when my twins get into an argument, often one of them explodes on the other, and I rush to the sound of crying and screaming, someone is usually holding their injury tenderly while the other stands there befuddled at the energetic charge that just coursed their system.

This is where I have the opportunity to slow myself down, pause even, and really listen for the tender feeling that is being transmitted through the words of the story. It’s the part that wants to be seen, heard, and understood. So I love my child’s story, and I’m simultaneously looking below it for this deeper energy that drives it.

I’ve been practicing this for some years now and it takes a few minutes of visiting with the words, the story- loving my child and their attempt to organize their experience and share it with me for support, before I can attune with the feeling and meet that energy, first in me and then in them.

I hear “he hit me!” and “she was making a face at me!”

I feel a heat in me- I hear inside my own experience a voice saying, “I hate it when they fight!”

Taking a deep breath I put my hand on my heart… whew… I say to all of us from my big hearted self- “I hear you! And it sounds like there is a lot here, I am here.”

They each take turns with their side of the story- I tune into my experience for clues.

I’m feeling powerless to get them to stop fighting, no matter what I do, they still fight.

I speak to the sense of powerlessness in all of us- “sounds like you really couldn’t change your circumstances to be the way you wanted, how was that?”

They each tell me a piece and usually they’re already coming down from their big emotional charge. I’ve done the work inside me, in that moment and many, many practiced ones before, and chatting with me seems boring and uninteresting. They’re more interested in getting on with their next exciting piece of life. We’re grounded, the energy is resolved.

If I met them at the story only- and ran with the energy in the form of words, and telling, and conclusions, without first taking it into the feelings realm, the story still charged with all the emotion (and I had lots of years like this before learning how to truly listen) I would barge in and make my own sense of it all based on the words they were telling me.

Hitting is wrong and bad! Are they ever going to get this? And stop fighting? I would overpower my own sense of powerlessness. I would organize us in the direction that best suited me to stay away from this and other vulnerable feelings and unowned traits. I would add my two cents to the lines of feelings loaded story and we would amp each other up until there was often yet another explosion- mine!

It always felt bad to land us back in this place of having powered up around the story, rather than meeting what was tender at the center.

I notice in my parenting this can happen with the ones that feel good too, just like we’ve been talking about owning your own brilliance!

My son came home one day and said to me, “Mom, someone at work wants to meet you!”
Confused, I asked why. He proceeded to tell me it was because of his demeanor, presence with kids, and general work ethic. This person had come to the conclusion it was because of his parents. Maybe? Maybe not, too? Of course that felt good inside to receive compliments and praise, but it was his story, he was the one in the moment.

I feel some bubbly sensations in my chest- I hear a voice inside saying, “good job Mama!”

I put my hand on my heart and turn to see him smiling with joy and pride!

I asked him to tell me more about it? Who was this person? How was it for him? What did it feel like to be seen like that? I turned it back to him.

I met his sense of pride and accomplishment without making it mine. Of course, I was celebrating with him about all of his hard work and success and yet talking to that feeling rather than the story lines supports him to organize towards how he knows and feels himself in the world.

So try it this week! Talk to the feelings. When your kiddo brings you a story, get curious about what feeling is there. Hint: you may be feeling the same one in you, so talk to it too!

Own Your Brilliance

Own Your Brilliance

Do you love kids? Great! We have an invite for you. Happily Family Conference – Sign up HERE

Last week we talked about how what we don’t like in our children, we don’t like in ourselves- how we project onto them certain negative traits we have disowned inside. The ones you judge in them are first under your own internal judgment.

The other side of that is also a curious exploration- that what you love in yourself you also love in your child. If you haven’t owned an amazing part of yourself – a brilliant part of you, you might be projecting it onto your child, willing to see it in them, but not yourself. So let’s get into it!

Do you take your kids to practice after practice for a sport? Or music lessons? Maybe you travel to exciting places? Or put them in special schools, or no school at all? You make an investment in your child around something they show interest in, or that they love and desire- yeah? You play with them, do art projects, read to them?

When my kids were little I had this chief complaint that nothing I did was about me- it was all for someone else. I worked really hard to make sure that everyone got to experience their brilliance, the things they loved the most. Besides the daily grind of laundry, dishes, meals and messes, there were beautiful art supplies, beeswax candles, the sweetest books, handmade wooden toys, cloth dolls, pokemon cards, seeds, chickens, vhs tapes of old disney movies.

My husband worked away from the family for weeks at a time- he had my full support.
I would drive 15 miles to the nearest town so my oldest son could go to baseball practices and games with twin babes in tow for late nights away from home- he had my full support.
My other son had a lego club at the library weekly- he had my full support.
The little kids would sprawl toys, games and art projects across the living spaces, and I was deeply invested in their delight and enjoyment- they too had my full support.

The list goes on with pets and farm animals, gardens, buying land and all the organization that it took to make it happen- I did that.

It sounds lovely as I recall it- but I had abandoned my own delight and curiosity- my own sense of following my heart and the things that seemed meaningful to me. Secretly I resented all of them for it and here’s why.

My family was just expressing their delight and zest for things they found curious and wanted to try in life- they weren’t asking me to make everything happen all the time, and ignore my own desires to do it. I had cooked that all up inside of me. I had an old, outdated belief (probably from childhood) that I was only good enough to the ones I loved, if I could support them and make their dreams and desires come true.

It took time becoming more aware of this- but when I took my projection in, in a heap of exhaustion, I realized I had a precious part of me inside that had dreams, desires, and delights wishing to be supported that I was projecting onto my family- and then feeling resentful when I wasn’t getting what I wanted!

It was sticky! (It still is at times) Because the world is neutral. It’s not looking out to make sure that all my effort got me exactly what I wanted- the delight of my family, that they would then turn and love me for it. Sometimes they were still frustrated, tired, or sad. I would flip my projection more to what we were talking about last week and unload my pent up resentment and frustration with them.

In both situations- whether the unowned traits are considered negative or positive, the one thing that was the same was that I was projecting them. A projection is when you look out in your environment and see something that you don’t want to see inside yourself. We say in Purejoy, the other person becomes the location of your rejected trait.

When I had this new awareness in my SafeSeat I practiced taking them back in. Whenever I noticed myself labeling my child with a trait, positive or negative, I could then ask- where does that same one also live in me, maybe in a different form?

A little trick I learned that you can use- point your finger out from yourself as if you were saying to your child, YOU ARE… (insert trait). Notice that you have 3 fingers curled back pointing at yourself! I would then name three ways that trait also lived in me.

I loved imagining the deep connection that – we all have it all- and what would it be like if we had a home safe enough for everyone to express each of them.

When I did that- we all got more free. I started to focus on my own wants and desires, my own art supplies, books, seeds, and learning and then offered them support from a place of fullness and delight!

Do You Judge Your Child’s Mess?

Do You Judge Your Child’s Mess?

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Last week we talked about how what we don’t like in our children, we don’t like in ourselves- how we project onto them certain negative traits we have disowned inside.  The ones you judge in them are first under your own internal judgment. 

The other side of that is also a curious exploration- that what you love in yourself you also love in your child.  If you haven’t owned an amazing part of yourself – a brilliant part of you, you might be projecting it onto your child, willing to see it in them, but not yourself. So let’s get into it!

Do you take your kids to practice after practice for a sport? Or music lessons? Maybe you travel to exciting places? Or put them in special schools, or no school at all?  You make an investment in your child around something they show interest in, or that they love and desire- yeah? You play with them, do art projects, read to them?

When my kids were little I had this chief complaint that nothing I did was about me- it was all for someone else. I worked really hard to make sure that everyone got to experience their brilliance, the things they loved the most. Besides the daily grind of laundry, dishes, meals and messes, there were beautiful art supplies, beeswax candles, the sweetest books, handmade wooden toys, cloth dolls, pokemon cards, seeds, chickens, vhs tapes of old disney movies.

My husband worked away from the family for weeks at a time- he had my full support.
I would drive 15 miles to the nearest town so my oldest son could go to baseball practices and games with twin babes in tow for late nights away from home- he had my full support.  

My other son had a lego club at the library weekly- he had my full support.
The little kids would sprawl toys, games and art projects across the living spaces, and I was deeply invested in their delight and enjoyment- they too had my full support.

The list goes on with pets and farm animals, gardens, buying land and all the organization that it took to make it happen- I did that. 

It sounds lovely as I recall it- but I had abandoned my own delight and curiosity- my own sense of following my heart and the things that seemed meaningful to me.  Secretly I resented all of them for it and here’s why. 

My family was just expressing their delight and zest for things they found curious and wanted to try in life- they weren’t asking me to make everything happen all the time, and ignore my own desires to do it.  I had cooked that all up inside of me.  I had an old, outdated belief (probably from childhood) that I was only good enough to the ones I loved, if I could support them and make their dreams and desires come true. 

It took time becoming more aware of this- but when I took my projection in, in a heap of exhaustion, I realized I had a precious part of me inside that had dreams, desires, and delights wishing to be supported that I was projecting onto my family- and then feeling resentful when I wasn’t getting what I wanted! 


It was sticky! (It still is at times) Because the world is neutral. It’s not looking out to make sure that all my effort got me exactly what I wanted- the delight of my family, that they would then turn and love me for it. Sometimes they were still frustrated, tired, or sad. I would flip my projection more to what we were talking about last week and unload my pent up resentment and frustration with them.

In both situations- whether the unowned traits are considered negative or positive, the one thing that was the same was that I was projecting them. A projection is when you look out in your environment and see something that you don’t want to see inside yourself. We say in Purejoy, the other person becomes the location of your rejected trait. 

When I had this new awareness in my SafeSeat I  practiced taking them back in. Whenever I noticed myself labeling my child with a trait, positive or negative,  I could then ask- where does that same one also live in me, maybe in a different form? 

A little trick I learned that you can use- point your finger out from yourself as if you were saying to your child, YOU ARE… (insert trait).   Notice that you have 3 fingers curled back pointing at yourself!  I would then name three ways that trait also lived in me. 

I loved imagining the deep connection that – we all have it all-and what would it be like if we had a home safe enough for everyone to express each of them. 

When I did that- we all got more free. I started to focus on my own wants and desires, my own art supplies, books, seeds, and learning, and then offered them support from a place of fullness and delight!

Sign up for the Happily Family Conference here!

Be Truthful

Be Truthful

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Last week in the Purejoy blog we talked about self-aggression and how it forms early in our human experience. This week we share the remedy for this: Kindness.

Take a minute and consider- what does it mean to you, to be kind?

Good- you’ve got that!

In Purejoy, we offer kindness as the response you slip into the places when you discover self-aggression has been working unconsciously in the background to keep you safe in a way- where there is actually no danger as an adult.

This kindness is quite different than just being ‘nice’ as most of your cultural and familial conditioning probably has you believing. It’s opening your experience up to what is ACTUALLY happening right in front of you, the moment that you are in and stepping into that reality.

I’ll break it down…

Most likely you were taught to be kind, which without much explanation meant to be nice, which sneakily became an expectation of your caregivers to take care of others. This likely meant that you abandoned certain parts of yourself to do that.

Think about how kids are asked to share- be nice, the adults say! They have to override their own desires to hang on to their belongings.

Or I can remember times, before my views shifted, where I asked my kids to say hello to someone they were feeling shy around- as they hid behind my leg, I asked them to be nice and polite…to do that, they had to override their own sense of not wanting to engage.

One time, in a home I was visiting , I saw a sign that exhibited a list of household rules, the first one, in big bold letters that made it stand out above the others was- BE KIND.

What followed was a list of niceties in small font to support this one main requirement. Quaint, I thought, and then quickly, smirked-I imagined that same sign hung in my house and quickly felt the ping of self-aggression that said- my family would fail at those rules. I would fail at those rules. I felt my whole being tense up, ready to try harder to be peaceful, to act nice, to have courage, and apologize- to BE KIND.

My practice, by then, was such that I knew to slow down when my ol’ friend Self-Aggression came around. I took a deep breath, and instead I went back to noticing the sign and inserted some kindness in the place I just self-aggressed. I went through the same scenario of imagining the sign hung in my house- from my new Purejoy view of the Kindness that opens to what is present in the moment.

I looked at the list of rules again- Be kind, it said. I thought- yep, check, sometimes we act kind, and in a move of kindness I also thought- and the truth is sometimes we act mean, sometimes we aggress, sometimes we are scared and hurt.

This greater kindness that I was offering about the reality of my situation, in place of my self-aggression, actually felt relaxing. I noticed a softness in my being almost immediately. I got excited, even. I felt more alive.

I was so curious then- how it felt so good to admit that we acted nice and acted mean, rather than using my precious life energy to try to ignore, or cancel or change the moment I was in with my kids. In fact, that was nearly impossible once I considered it. Maybe you feel the absurdity of this too?

Once I named what was so true for me, another beautiful thing happened. I actually opened my heart to my kiddos, in this softer place, and asked them more about what was coming up for them. The truth was welcome. We were deeply connected.

When they were much younger it looked like opening up to ALL of their expressions and behaviors with curiosity rather than judgements about acting mean, or bad, or misbehaving. I wasn’t taking their experience personally, then. I found out what was happening around us, or inside of me- that played a part in the way they were feeling, and therefore behaving.

I saw our ongoing experience very differently- more truthfully, which was in reality very kind, to me and my kids.

Try it- close your eyes (once you’ve read the next few lines) and imagine telling yourself the truth on the inside- heaping kindness on the reality of one aspect of your parenting experience. Include the part that feels hard to admit, or that you often want to leave out or disclaim.

What do you notice?

This deep kindness (not just being pleasant or BE KIND) is being truthful about reality. People are going to feel what they feel, and think what they think. I know that is true because something I say or do will impact one of my kiddos one way- say, they love what I did. Another will have the opposite response- because they are having their experience from the stimulus of the environment.

I promise- there is a lot of energy tied up in trying to stop what is actually happening! This week go curiously as to what it might be like to offer yourself some loving kindness- while being truthful about what is happening.

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