I bought the little girl in me a Mother’s day present.
She loves it!
It’s a hot cocoa mug with orcas and rainbows all over it!
It feels important to me now to recognize that she held the dream for this life I am now living in her HEART, right along with some other dreams full of rainbows and orcas.
When I was her- I dreamed of being a mom, both my sleeping dreams and daytime ones.
In those dreams it was beautiful and wonderful- cooing babes with fun names, cute clothes that didn’t match, fun adventures in nature and on the open road, milestones and memories.
Awe and wonder in my HEART!
In reality now- it’s oftentimes messy, and emotional, and stressful- laundry, dishes, marriage, work.
Mystery and intensity in my HEART!
But her HEART then said only- I want what I want.
I want to be a mom.
Over and over again, actually, as my body grew around her with complexity.
But her wanting and dreaming saw me to another day of wanting to be a mom, and then another, and all the way to this day- to the fullness of motherhood.
A journey of epic (which is funny because that word annoys me, ask my kids, but tis true) measure.
My body had 6 kids in 9 years- one died, two came at once.
She carries in her form the memories and the scars, and wears out of all the trying and striving to keep up with a busy world when I ignore her sensations and just keep going, avoiding the inevitable collapse she needs.
My mind can’t make sense of it, she tries to justify and tell the story and rationalize something so soulful it simply can’t be done.
My HEART says… yessssss, it’s exactly what I wanted.
The awe and wonder right along with the mystery and intensity.
My HEART knows.
These ones, through my body connected to me at the HEART.
My mind can’t remember all the details every day- I forget the time, I go to the store without a list, I try to imagine what tomorrow will be like, I try to strategize to get safe, make it prettier according to the world out there.
My HEART says- you are a mama now, this is what you wanted- you’ve got this, what does THIS moment ask of you? Right now, right here. Right here, this moment, with these ones, you are more than enough – in THIS moment.
My soul knows beyond all the daily that the little girl of me wanted to be a mom- that it would show her the way home to herself.
Not my skills (although- I’ve got some fun ones)
Not my brain
Not my strategies
Not my appearance
Not my achievements
My kids came for my HEART, the very HEART that wanted exactly what she’s getting now and it’s taking us all home.
Jess Henderson- Mama Bear and the Milky Way