After years of therapy and spiritual practice, I was sure I had the skills to be the parent I longed to be.
I pictured myself as a BIG open expansive heart energy surrounding my child supporting her to express her heart.
My visions filled me with delight and supported traveling halfway around the world to adopt my daughter from China.
One of my friends looked at me and said, “what a noble act of humanity” and yet the truth is the noble act was on my daughter’s part. She came back for me.
Little did I know I would be faced with all my attachments lingering deep in the corners of my conditioning.
I was attached to her doing what I wanted her to do…Attached to her seeing me as a “good” mom. Up arose my attachment to pleasing her so I wouldn’t feel abandoned and rejected.
I desperately needed her to validate my existence.
I was attached to what she ate, if she did her homework, if she was on the computer too long, and what she wore. Was she being a “nice” girl? Would people like her and invite her to parties?
I was attached.
I thought I was a free spirit who believed in others living their truth and autonomy and yet I was faced with the lie when it came to my daughter. It was a painful reflection.
I had wonderful ideas and concepts and yet the truth was I NEEDED her to be different than she was so I could feel OK about myself. Argggg!
The pain and rejection at times felt overwhelming and I found myself protecting myself by closing my BIG heart. NO!
And yet she came back for me! Never, did she turn on me as I turned on her?
She kept loving me….loving me…even when I hated myself….what?!
Slowly, I opened the door and faced those attachments that were strangling my love, my wisdom, and my heart longing.
As I opened I stepped into my adult capacities and showed up for my daughter. Confident and loving I took the seat of awareness and over time I’ve witnessed her struggles, successes, and delights as hers, not mine.
You can do this too!
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