The Purejoy Parenting Blog
Inspiration For Your Parenting Journey
Picking up where we left off last time- powerlessness.
For me, it often comes up when I just can’t get what I want, which is usually some kind of cooperation- then the powerlessness I feel inside triggers rage, and that’s when I behave in ways that don’t feel true of me. I overpower my kids, I start self-aggressing, beating myself up for how I acted and it feeds a negative cycle. Do you do this? It is really exhausting!
Having more capacity for the intense charge of rage, after lots of practice in Purejoy, what I’ve learned, simply put, is that it’s human to experience all feelings off and on. I know when I began this work there were certain feelings I did not want to stay with and experience. One of them was rage! What do you notice about your experience of rage?
Let’s take a closer look at the energetics of rage.
Rage is hot! Really, really hot! It’s spicy and intense!
Just close your eyes for a minute and think about a behavior you see in your child that you often get mad about, something you hate- whining, clinging, eye rolls, door slams? Messes?… you feel that?
And as you feel it getting hotter, you notice yourself calling on your control strategies to command compliance- you’ll do anything to STOP the intensity building inside. It’s SO hard to contain it without acting out or imploding in!
A switch goes off inside- a very young part of you gets activated. All of a sudden you see your child as a threat on an emotional level. It’s as if they are out to get you- because if they loved you, they would cooperate, yeah?
Going under that- imagine yourself as a child. A desire arises or you want something and you need cooperation from your caregiver. You look for the energy to be received and met. You innocently believe that you will get support for getting what you want.
Most likely that’s not what happened. Your parents saw you as rude, greedy, and demanding. Your innocent desire triggered something in them and they made your desire bad and wrong since it triggered their vulnerability which they didn’t know how to be with.
You had these big beautiful desires and when you were seeking support BOOM! You hit a wall inside because your parents had resistance. The unresolved energy of your desires got really bottled up inside.
Over and over this happened until you chose to organize your life to repress the energy of your desires. And yet your desires are still inside hidden away, deep down. It’s a matter of hide and seek and you’ve hidden them well.
You have it together until you ask your child to do something and they say NO! Or won’t get off their phone, or pick up the legos, or just stop crying. FOUND! And then all that bottled-up desire and intensity comes rushing up in you- rage! And before you know it you’re screaming at your kid, or trying to get away, or if you’re like me, speaking sharply and threatening.
It is so hard, so fast, so hot- especially if you haven’t learned how to work with the energetics of rage.
Slow this way down… it’s a big one, because most likely what you really don’t like here is your behavior, right? How you yell, coerce, punish and shame your kids. No one likes to be in that place. Then you spiral into self-aggression beating yourself up, and it’s that exhausting cycle again – yeah?
In Purejoy we say- when your child can’t get what they desire, and their energy gets big and intense, they throw you the hot potato! The energy comes blasting out into the environment around in hopes of support from you. Your child innocently believes you will know what to do with it, but likely you were never supported on an emotional level to know what to do. You’ve got a hot potato in your hands!
With practice, you learn to contain the heat, gather that energy up and tend it into a beautiful warm fire supporting the desires that are needing to be explored and created in their experience.
Rage like fire.
You can work with the energetics of rage, right now, as an adult rather than repress, or act it out- but to tend to it just like you would a campfire. What do you notice if you imagine working with your rage as a campfire?
Left unattended it can get out of control, and start a wildfire- it can get dangerous.
If you dump a bunch of water on it, repress it, you may lose the flame, the fire goes out and then you’re cold and dark and your energy is gone.
Keeping it safely contained gives you warmth, it’s nice to sit around, it’s beautiful, and you can even make s’mores! The energy is safe and attended to, it’s supported.
Purejoy supports you in not trying to get rid of the rage, which is what most people would rather talk about. I know that was how I viewed it before too. I don’t want to feel this!
But the truth is, the feeling is here, so what would it be like to turn towards it. You can choose how to act, and not express that fiery energy in a way that gets out of control- just like your campfire.
Curious to meet your rage- here’s a process to work with it.
First, set up a SafeSeat practice by signing up for a free 5-day email course from Purejoy.
And then, remember when you believe you absolutely have to have cooperation, drop down to what you really want, that innocent desire of wanting, and when you’re met with a no- when this energy arises in you- it’s yours! Your kiddos don’t cause it and they cant fix it. Just notice what comes up, for you.
In this way, as you welcome your rage, it potentially becomes the great awakener, all those sensations and feelings are expressions of your life force energy- coming back into your own knowing from all those times before when you denied your experience because you couldn’t get the support you needed to stay with it.
Play with this! Let us know how it goes!
I meet other parents in the Purejoy space, and I notice we are all at different points on the same journey.
I see so many previous versions of myself, lots of parenting moments, where I noticed what wasn’t working, and tried a new practice, a new perception. Over time I witnessed a shift in myself, in my relationships, in my being. The part that no one else can tell me about, that I’ve come to appreciate is my own experience, first internally and then how I move out in my reality.
One of the things I love and have been so supported by in Purejoy, is constant encouragement, to take these little lessons and practice them, and then notice. It’s subtle and profound all the same, because it is about me, and for me- it’s mine! No one else is telling me how to do this, it comes from a deep place of intrinsic motivation to be more like myself every day.
Being More Like Myself
And I’m lucky! I have to pinch myself most days, and it’s really true- that I have stepped into a position in life where I get to spend time every day sharing my own experience with others like you!
So my support this week, is to inquire inside yourself and to see if some of the things that I share resonate with something inside of you, and if not- what’s that like?
You might get emotionally activated! You might even say, no way! And that’s all welcome here!
And then, my ask, is that you take a moment to check it out on the inside, and ask some questions about why? And if those thoughts and feelings are true, of you? What else feels more true, more alive- for you.
Because when I did that, I found so many messages, and beliefs that weren’t actually mine. I was operating from a place of conditioning- while my own beautiful brilliance was trapped, and stuck and hard to access.
Living from messages that weren’t my own truth looked like me promising myself to do better, and be better, and try harder- and every day finding myself frustrated, overwhelmed and worried. All of this fueled behaviors that were so unlike the kind of mama I dreamed of being.
I could get my kids to do almost anything I wanted them to- we could put up a really good looking front, but it took a lot of force, manipulation and control. The control required my kids to comply with my agenda. If they did not do what I wanted, I got all huffy and mad and barked at them to pick things up, quiet down, wash their face, get off the screens, eat more whole food- the message was, you are doing it all wrong, do it better, be more, change- do it, for me.
I feel the tenderness rising in me, remembering a younger time when I felt myself trying to be something for someone else- changing, covering my brilliance, taking on the messages.
Whew! Even as I type this- and recount the ways, it feels heavy.
Recognizing that, slowing way down, and really taking a deeper look at why I acted out on my kids, doing that deep inquiry we just talked about, another deeper sense rose in me, a desire to connect, instead.
I don’t know about you, but if someone wants my cooperation- it goes over a lot better if they can see me, right where I am, and ask how it is for me, and then invite me into the moment with them.
If I’m being told to follow someone else’s agenda, or accomplish a task for them that doesn’t include my wanting, then I’m going to resist! How about you? What do you notice?
I saw how the way I was treating myself inside, controlling, coercing, shaming- trying to be perfect, to change, to be something else than I was in the moment, and I could then see how I was passing that template of being onto my kiddos.
I felt so powerless when my kids wouldn’t come along with my grand plan, and I saw how it was really inside of me, those feelings, and thoughts that turned into behaviors.
3 Steps you can take towards your internal experience
Close your eyes
Put your hand on your heart
Just notice, without trying to fix or change or repress
For me, it took a lot of practice, of tuning into the deeper desire for connection that saw us all to a place of cooperation. When I was willing to cooperate with the tender part of me that felt like she had to change to be loved, I then turned to my kiddos with deep compassion for their reality which is powerlessness- they’re kids! They’re stuck with me!
Meeting them right where they are, I then invite them into cooperation in the moment and we are in!
A phenomenal thing happens often in my SacredSeat, especially when I’m asking myself how this Purejoy journey for me began.
I revisit the different internal versions of myself- child, maiden, young mama, mama of 2, then 3 kids. I spend time with my memories, and it’s curious that it connects them all into one incredible body of being.
This story of spontaneity comes from a version, a part of me, that knows how to drop everything and follow the HEART.
As I reflect on it, it reminds me that Life, or Universe, or God was getting me ready to meet Purejoy, long before I actually joined Parenting Paused, and experienced Leslie and the work.
I became a mama one week after I turned 22, again at almost 24 and was carrying babe number three just months before I would turn 26. In those years my husband was finishing college and getting his Masters’s degree while working full time, and buying and sprucing up our first house… we were not taking life lightly. It felt like a grind. There was a method to this madness, maybe?
And it was catching up with us. We were tired. We were defeated. The road ahead seemed long and paved for us- if we just followed it, we would win, have success- BE HAPPY.
We were driving on an old dirt road one afternoon in late winter, the Earth beneath us in that hanging phase between sleep and awake.
The question- always, what are we doing? Is this it? Is this life? Is this what works for us? Are we missing something? Its hard, we felt like that Earth, hanging, waiting, wondering…
And an old idea came visiting again- one we had blown off a couple of times, it was audacious and wild, and it didn’t fit so well on the paved road plan.
And I still remember the sense some 15 years later, that part of me speaking up in my body, my thoughts, my feelings – that said, YES to spontaneity. It felt so alive. I called it wild and crazy and thought- who knows if it will work.
But if we didn’t say YES, we would find ourselves again the next year, crawling out of winter, wondering if the life that someone else promised us, and then trained us to believe, would fulfill the deep longing for the truth of who we were as a family. We might still be asking – is this it?
Then a flood of fear, that was rooted somewhere in a young voice that said, will they still love us if we are far away? And so the same spontaneous vibe we just picked up, saw us turning right off of that back country road and heading straight to tell our beloved ones we were moving our young family to a far away place, to Alaska!
It’s important that I’m writing this to you, right now, because it’s 15 years later and I can close my eyes and still feel all the fear and excitement that was sharing my body. I didn’t know then how important that sensation would become, but from this point now- it’s part of my embodied wisdom.
We were met with devastation, and disappointment from our family. As best we knew how then, we absorbed a lot of it. It felt heavy to activate those feelings in our loved ones. We stayed with this other curious part that said, check it out, find out what your WILD HEART is calling you to, what if it’s okay to get off the paved road?
And so in a matter of just weeks, maybe a couple of months, we reduced our belongings to the size of a 91 Toyota 4 Runner that also fit our most precious cargo- two zesty toddlers and the one that rode right inside my body the whole way along.
I can see still the clothes I wore nearly every day of the trip North. My favorite yellow shirt getting tight and wearing out, and my trusty stretchy mom jeans held on my a hairband to extend the waistline around my growing belly.
It was by far the most spontaneous moment my life has held- the dirt road, that conversation, that feeling- that led us all the way to a small sea town on the Cook Inlet that hails as the end of the road.
We landed in our new home just in time to explore and settle in our new surroundings and find the care that would support our transition to a family of five.
Next week will be the Summer solstice, and here in Alaska we have daylight all day long ! I was up just last night looking for the full Sagittarius moon and all I could find were partly cloudy, sunny skies at 1 am- makes it tough to moon gaze. It also takes me back to this story I am telling you- and how there was no such thing as bedtime.
Back then, we spent our days in the salty sea air. I have to laugh at the tenacity of those little toddler legs and my pregnant sway- and how much ground we covered like that. But we did! And every night- at exactly who-knows-what-time it is? We went to bed exhausted.
And woke again to the same sun, ready for more play, more adventure.
Before that, I had never felt more free in my being, more in touch with what it meant to be alive.
I grew up around a conversation of God- and how HE could be met and communed with through meetings at a building, through a life of economic success, and duty. I know that worked well for some, but for me, it was binding, and so many rules and regulations, I couldn’t feel, let alone find life force.
That one brave spontaneous moment on a back road near home led me to a beach, an ocean, mountains, and a handful of salmon roe, my son kicking and bubbling in my tummy- and something deep inside, maybe my soul, said loud and clear- GOD IS RIGHT HERE.
The colors of sun-kissed skin and glittering eggs of life melding in my eyes- I looked up to the mountains, to the sea…
I learned something so vital in those short 3 months, in the spontaneity that led to that one moment of nature, before Ezra was born, exactly 15 years ago right now.
That when my Heart speaks wild and clear – and I know- but all that is in the way is the form, or the rule, or the structure, or the certainty- to really check that out, and see if it’s true, for me.
To ask myself, what feels most ALIVE- and follow that spontaneity with curiosity and courage of HEART. Sometimes ALIVE is about feeling that fear and excitement simultaneously.
I have a practice that goes like this- I am feeling (insert feelings) and it activates a sense of aliveness.
I am feeling FEAR and it activates a sense of ALIVENESS.
I am feeling JOY and it activates a sense of ALIVENESS
Living by this mantra reminds me that when my house looks like chaos, that the order will come, and when the order is here, I can also listen to the voice of the wild one who still sees the expansion and adventure of being absolutely spontaneous.
I remember the first time I met the voice of the younger more vulnerable one in me.
My kiddos had finally made it through bedtime routine and were tucked in their beds. The ones that needed my closeness to drift off were sleeping hard enough that I could slip out from their limp arms and legs slung over my body.
From where I am today I can only imagine, not really remember, taking myself back down the burly steps of our log home, the flat top of a log split in half meeting my heavy and tired steps.
Down, away from bed and towards the sink full of dirty dishes, maybe even two days’ worth.
I was at the lowest point in my parenting journey.
To even admit that felt like donning a heavy cape of failure. Every night as I tidied up from the long days, I promised myself that things would be different.
I said to myself: just hit the reset button. I would have these darn dishes done early in the day. I wouldn’t snap at the kids for making messes. I would eat salad instead of leftover pbj crust. This list ranged from simple todos all the way to fantastical dreaming.
Some of the things I daydreamed about doing to chase the ever elusive- relief, rest, restore fantasies were scary, even to me. Some of them absolutely impossible.
Standing in front of the sink, the piled up dishes with remains of discarded bites of my constant offerings, a few tears rolled off my cheeks.
I looked around the open living space littered with little trails of kid life left behind, and out of my mouth came the words to no one but myself- ‘I don’t want to do this’.
I had been setting up my SafeSeat in the few days previous as part of the Parenting Paused course I decided to take which was on the list of things I could do to hit reset.
If nothing more- I recognized I could PAUSE and I took the tears and these few precious words quickly there.
I momentarily forgot about my dishes. (Unbelievable!! )
I grabbed the wide-blue-eyed polar bear cub stuffy I borrowed from my boy for the practice, a photo of myself at age 4, and sat down in my SafeSeat.
I didn’t know if I was even doing it right- and yet everything inside me was saying- this is it, tune in.
Get as quiet as you can and just listen.
I thought of the words I just heard from a place inside of me- ‘I don’t want to do this….’
Closing my eyes I listened even closer- to a space inside of me.
I felt another part of me that seemed ahead of where I was in the moment offering space to these young words, and anything else that would come along with them.
Some tears, a few little grunts, sounds of breathing hard and shallow.
And my imagination half drifted half followed then to a little one, a girl- sitting with her back against a wall, knees hugged tight and close to her chest, her head bowed between with curtains of hair draping the around her little body.
A muffled voice- the one, saying- ‘I don’t want to do this!’.
And then a funny thing happened- I was so excited to meet my inner girl- I got sort of giddy.
It seemed like an insensible response to such a desperate cry, but really truly it was the start of something.
I could meet this part of me.
In a sense I thanked her for showing herself to me- and that I was here now. We could do this. I was willing to listen- excited, even.
The Parenting Paused course said I could find her, this voice… and I had been trying- and it was so silent anywhere… until I stood right in the moment in front of those dishes, and truly listened.
And that was it! I went back to the sink with a smile on my face and little more oomph in my arms for the practical task at hand.
I couldn’t be sure if she would visit me again, but we had established something- which I now know ( 6 years later) to be the start of a beautiful relationship that would support me to grow up emotionally and see me back home to myself and show up truly how I wanted to parent my children.
I’ll be guiding others towards this same experience in the upcoming course Parenting Paused beginning June 15th- if you’re curious to know more- head over to the purejoy website to learn more about the course offering by Leslie Potter and put your name on the waitlist to be notified of sign up steps.
Healthy Aggression? You are asking?
I know there was a time that I sure was!?!
How could aggression be anything other than horrible, wrong, bad? I asked Leslie in a session one summer afternoon after my son punched the neighbor kid.
When it happened I was immediately embarrassed…worried…I felt a rise of energy in my body…
Close your eyes… she said.
I did it…by now I knew she was about to rearrange the furniture in my brain.
Imagine your boy- you know him… he’s out there on the yard, playing…
I see him so clearly as she recounts the story line I just spilled to her through helpless tears…my desperate wish that my boy would be seen good, held in high regard, not outcast.
See him there, feeling the same sense of helplessness, of powerlessness to get what he most needed in the moment.
You know he doesn’t hit unless there is something coming in hot and fast, unless he is in a vulnerable place, like helplessness. It’s age appropriate when he’s engulfed.
And consider, what are the benefits of him hitting?
Benefits? Are you kidding me?- I say.
Yes, she says- stay with it.
He felt helpless, he felt powerless in that moment…
And it came over me like a wave of warm water…
He took care of himself!!!!
Yes…and what else is true if he took care of himself?
That he knows his limits.
And so on I went, listing the benefits of my son hitting the neighbor.
I’ll be honest by the end I was sort of giggling to myself at the practice.
Not that someone was hurt, right? I was all along holding that point in my loving kindness, but this new part was also staying with my child, by staying with what was coming up inside of me.
By the end I noticed my heart was light and I was ready to come alongside of my boy. I got curious about his sense of helplessness, of powerlessness- of options and creativity we could practice going forward.
That one moment taught me a magic mama trick I use often and I’m going to share it with you.
You see, I was fixated on aggression being bad.
So I started playing with taking the other side and said, what if the aggression was serving something- what if it was good?
And in brought me to the middle, he aggresses and he is meek.
(Quick tip- google: What is the opposite of (insert- trait/behavior/feeling)
I do it with traits too.
The kids are being destructive, I say.
What’s the polarity? Creativity.
We are destructive and creative.
In order for us to have one, we must be willing to see where we also possess the other.
Most recently I’ve been practicing finding things I hate.
Why? Because I LOVE to love…and my love is only as true as my hate.
It’s liberating, to be honest with myself.
I am never only nice and not mean,
I am never only fair and not unfair,
I am never only sweet and not spicy,
I am never only happy and not sad,
I am never only cheery and not glum,
I am human, and my soul is here to experience all of it!
When I am willing, to tell the truth of my inner world, of these traits and feelings in my SacredSeat, I discover my true nature and parent from there.
I recognize that I am all the things and it just becomes energy, life force- and then I get to choose how I behave.
Purejoy is delighted to announce that we just graduated TEN brand new Certified Purejoy Parent Coaches as well as 5 Group Coaches!
Just look at their beautiful brilliance shining through!
Such an honor to journey with them over the last 8 months as they walked with HEART through the stages of Purejoy, back home to their true nature.
Stay tuned to the Purejoy Parent Coaches Listing to take advantage of their new offerings as they spread their wings in this work.
Congrats to you, Coaches!
Below is a poem Carrie Shaw Miller wrote to celebrate the moment.
Poem for the Purejoy Coaches
The Purejoy journey
Is daunting indeed
I tried to run and hide
Rather than absorb its creed
I buried myself in work
Focused on serving others
I never prioritized myself
I didn’t want to be a bother
I didn’t have the courage
To make myself a priority
I didn’t want to face myself
Or feel selfish or needy
But as I stretched myself too thin
Like butter over too much bread
My fire fizzled out
And my heart filled with dread
I lost my joy, I lost my spark
I lost my ability to speak
I lost my confidence in myself
My heart and soul felt weak
I came to PureJoy to avoid enmeshment
And to stop colluding with clients
But I got so much more than that
I finally found my balance
You all supported me
In being more authentic
In loving all my brilliance
Along with my faults and antics
In bringing my WHOLE self
To this present moment MAGIC
To tell it like it is
Whether glorious or tragic
To stay with my discomfort
And offer it loving kindness
To sit with intense feelings
To counteract my blindness
My blindness to my judgments
My blind urge toward self-aggression
My blindness to my childhood baggage
Born out of innate wisdom
In shining Purejoy’s light
On these blind spots in my life
I can show up fully as I am
And no longer apologize
Instead I take full responsibility
For every part of ME
Now I can shine joy on others AND myself
Now I can finally be FREE
Thank you vibrant, fantastic Leslie
Thank you heartfelt, helpful Jess
Thank you dancing moxy Tanya
Thank you sweet, soft Amy Beth
Thank you gentle, glowing Holly
Thank you sincere, funny Erin
Thank you wise and pensive Abe
Thank you all for ALL your caring
We appreciate you SO MUCH
You’re in our hearts forever
We’re so grateful to be with you
On this Purejoy journey TOGETHER
It is part of the human condition that children need connection, both physically and emotionally, with their caregiver.
As a babe- your life depended on it. Love was the greatest commodity.
If you couldn’t connect as yourself- at some point you most likely developed a strategy to become what your caregiver preferred to stay in the love when you felt like you could not get what you needed or wanted.
If not considered in adulthood- those strategies may show up in your parenting.
I know they did for me.
When I felt like I couldn’t get the connection I wanted when I was young- I tried harder to be good, I found a new way to do something more, I chose to act in ways that I perceived were impressive- I could always do better! I was my own ultimate fixer upper project.
Of course becoming a mother my focus was set towards connection- and that my kids would never feel disconnected.
I was well into my parenting when I sensed that all my wanting was not working! My kiddos were frustrated by me, I would lash out and shame and blame them into getting the results I wanted.
I felt like I was becoming the very mom I swore I would NEVER be.
I was applying my strategy of connection- and it was pushing my kiddos away.
The harder I tried to find the perfect organizer for their toys, the more beautiful curriculum for their school work, the more idyllic house for their childhood- they were flooded, with having to go there with me, rather than just be in our moments together- in reality.
I engulfed them with my strive towards perfection.
It landed me flat on my butt- burnout and quitting.
Literally and metaphorically. They didn’t need ‘better me’.
It was exhausting to not be myself, to be striving to purchase love.
The truth was- I couldn’t do it all, I was needy and limited and everything I was pursuing out there was already within me, and turning towards it was exactly what we all could relax in.
When I found the SafeSeat and started to admit that there was a part of me inside longing for it to be ok to rest, and create and dream. I relaxed, and offered to myself what I was so desperately seeking from someone, something, some scenario I kept trying to find out there.
My oldest talks about what it was like to be along for my self-improvement ride, and how hard it was to get close to me when there was no room for any of us to have a need, or a want or a breakdown.
I’m so grateful that we are a blob of perfectly imperfect now- we find the pockets of both connection and separation and in the middle of it emerges a relationship that feels true and supportive.
I’ve been getting more curious lately about what it means to be Open-Hearted.
I notice two parts – I used to think parenting through my heart meant being happy, pleasant, calm, and ideal.
One half of the whole.
But lately, I’m seeing a deeper layer, another part of being in an open-hearted relationship with my kiddos- the other half.
I know when they were born my heart opened so wide! So wide because something spiritual or magic, or otherworldly happens when you meet your child for the first time. Right?
Some of my coaching clients have been saying this too- and the range of how we meet our babes the first time is also so wide, yeah?
I’m taking a closer look at this question tho- what about the times when the birth was so hard, when I had a surgery, when I lost blood, or when my blood pressure was dangerous….when I felt like I was going to die?
Was my heart open then? I want so much to say something was wrong and it was so hard and painful and I cried, and I was confused, and my body was wrecked. I want to get away from how vulnerable those moments were.
I notice it feels safer to position in a way that says it happened to me.
So I stay with all those stories in my SafeSeat and the feelings that go with them.
I listen so deeply to the one in me who went through that experience and wonders if it will all be ok, if the babe is ok, if I am ok?
If there is a safe space for me to let all of it be true, to come forth in my being?
Hand on my heart.
I feel powerless, and scared.
I ask- what was really true in that moment? Was my heart wide open?
And this is the new part that I am starting to notice now as I do my work and turn back towards my vulnerabilities- even then when it was so hard.
That my heart was profoundly open then, too.
Because I was more present to the tiny details of life in those moments than I am usually in the day-to-day mundane, in that moment of a life coming to me, as I became their mama.
I noticed my body here and where my babe was laying in the lights over there.
I felt the path my baby took out of my body- and the IV poked into the back of my hand.
I noticed that I had lots of questions in my mind, but couldn’t speak about if everything was ok, or normal, or not in the moment?
The visions of those moments are imprinted in all the minute ways I take information into my senses.
The beep, the breath, the warm, the tight, the light.
I had an awareness about what it meant to connect with my babe- even tho reality was such that I couldn’t hold her.
There was no such thing as future or memory.
See- it wasn’t that it was ‘good’ and ‘happy’, or even ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ that showed me my open heart.
It drops down a bit- from my thoughts to my knowing.
In those moments my HEART was awake, open, and aware of ALL that was happening in the moment.
That’s what open-hearted relating has been teaching me- from these experiences where I KNOW my heart was leading the way, where it was wide open.
It’s not about ideals, and perfection and pleasant… I notice my perception says that it’s always ok to have my heart open when it’s delighted.
But also- can keep my heart open when it hurts, and when its disgusted, and when my perception says- this is wrong, bad, horrible!
And when I do.. when I choose to keep my heart open to all of the parts that hurt… and stay with the pain just a little bit deeper- when I welcome it.
Something beautiful reveals itself to me.
There is a hidden beauty in the pain.
I recover a deeper more true part of me that I tucked away a long time ago.
My kids reflect to me on a daily basis in the small ways, the parts that sting and poke and scratch. The parts of me that are still looking to be loved… by me.
And then there are also big stories with big energy that call me back, over and over, to the parts of my heart I often close because that’s the only way I have ever treated them.
My friend AmyBeth who is also a Purejoy coach said to me in one of those moments of intensity the other day- but watch closely, are you closing your heart- to YOU, Mama? Whoa…
I’ve been sitting with that one.. and I notice in the moments- when I look out and see something I don’t like… I close, I turn, I protect my heart- I cut off to the moment and say, I want something else, or I’m trying to get us away from what is right here in front of me- all the little details that my senses can tune into I ignore.
And that hurts too.
So I’m practicing now- and you can join me…
I’m asking of discomfort- am I closing my heart to myself?
What would it be like to stay open? To face, to see, to reflect the moment…
What do I have to be willing to feel?
I anchor into these times I met my children.
I know my heart was open- and I see that they were all things, in a moment- and I was tuned in.
I notice my kids, masters of present moment, moving through all feelings as natural waves of the human experience- no judgment to how they feel.
I notice they move on, they experience the moment, and then move on…
I’m learning from them, to feel what’s in the moment, to use my adult capacity to notice, to witness, to support, to choose.. and then- move on.
As the energy of the feelings animate us, heart open, and we simply live it.
The relationship that is created this way is just so profoundly true of us- its Purejoy!
When I became a mom I was driven by my fantasy- it was one that had been programmed into me from my culture, my family, and sources I deemed supportive toward keeping it alive.
It took a lot of energy to work towards my fantasy.
In my fantasy, I was perfect and my kids were perfect.
They never whined or complained, I was always patient and calm.
They did all the ‘healthy’ things, like eat broccoli and drink kombucha, do 15 minutes of yoga and walk the dog for fun.
I never yelled and always had meals ready on the table.
They didn’t care too much about screens or need me to entertain them.
I was trying so hard for it all to be true- I thought about it ALL the time- how to force it into reality.
So much so that if any way my kids behaved challenged my fantasy I took I personally.
I felt like they were against my grand plan, inside my head- to be the perfect mom and kids.
From my view- anything less was a total failure.
I had us all wrapped into my fantasy.
It’s really different now. I have my SafeSeat practice where I check out reality versus fantasy.
The more I do- I’ve dropped the fantasy that asks me and my kiddos to be something we are not.
I use a question to support myself to do this- what if there is nothing wrong or bad/right or good here?
Only what is?
When I ask myself that question (over and over) I’m able to take a closer look at what is going on in reality with me and my kiddos.
Together we find feelings, and motivations, desires, dreams- I notice it’s much lighter as we go along in this way.
I stay in the moment long enough to get curious about what actually IS happening and that supports us all- I drop the fantasy and opt for the present moment with my loves.
I’m not holding us to the fantasy when I drop into the parts that are about what’s right in front of me.
People say to me all the time BUT YOU HAVE FIVE KIDS!?!!
And yes, when I was living with them pinned into my fantasy it was HEAVY. It was a lot.
Every little piece of laundry, every dish, every bicker felt like a personal attack.
But from this transformed place of taking a deeper look at what is going on in my internal experience, separating out from my kiddos, and tapping into my HEART in the moment, I have come to a place of lightness of being in my parenting.
Becoming a Purejoy coach was a brave move for me.
I had been a stay-at-home/homeschool mama for nearly 15 years when I jumped in!
There was a part of me that always wanted to have work in the world, but finding the capacity to do that while also raising five kids was always eluding me.
When I met Purejoy I was in a big fat muddy puddle of my self-inflicted suffering.
I was trying so desperately to keep the external environment just so- so that I didn’t have to feel all the feelings I had organized my life not to feel.
Then slowly through Purejoy, I started looking at what was inside, to unbury and untangle all the pieces.
Offering loving-kindness, I slowed down to feel it all in my SafeSeat.
Offering it to myself, I also offered it to my kiddos.
Each piece I looked at, I said- what do I have to be willing to feel, so that I can be with this part of me- of what is real.
Each piece I looked at, I noticed- energy came back into my being- I was returning closer and closer to myself with love.
I created an environment where I met my brilliance.
And over the last five years, it has been a process, sometimes challenging, with lots of support- a return to my own inner wisdom.
I’m back in touch with my own internal wisdom, my PUREJOY.
This led me right into the first Purejoy Parent Coach Certification training!
I’m not everything I thought I would be for my kiddos when I became a mom.
I don’t homeschool anymore, my home is simple and untidy at times, and I’m not always certain of what’s next, we just keep going along together now.
But what I AM- is alive and living in my true nature!
Every day my kiddos experience my becoming more and more of who I truly am.
SO much so- that my kiddos have become my biggest fans!
The other day I reached a milestone in my work as a Purejoy coach.
I walked out into the living room from where I was working and announced it to my family with a huge grin on my face.
The kids, that were there, all broke into dance and celebration mode- hands in the air, HUGS, reflecting back to me all the important transformational work I have done.
Oh, yeah! Mama!
You’ve got this, Mama!
You are doing it! Mama!
I love Purejoy so much because I celebrate their brilliance- and in that moment they were celebrating mine too!
Check out the PPCC Page while you are here for more info on the next training.