I meet other parents in the Purejoy space, and I notice we are all at different points on the same journey.
I see so many previous versions of myself, lots of parenting moments, where I noticed what wasn’t working, and tried a new practice, a new perception. Over time I witnessed a shift in myself, in my relationships, in my being. The part that no one else can tell me about, that I’ve come to appreciate is my own experience, first internally and then how I move out in my reality.
One of the things I love and have been so supported by in Purejoy, is constant encouragement, to take these little lessons and practice them, and then notice. It’s subtle and profound all the same, because it is about me, and for me- it’s mine! No one else is telling me how to do this, it comes from a deep place of intrinsic motivation to be more like myself every day.
Being More Like Myself
And I’m lucky! I have to pinch myself most days, and it’s really true- that I have stepped into a position in life where I get to spend time every day sharing my own experience with others like you!
So my support this week, is to inquire inside yourself and to see if some of the things that I share resonate with something inside of you, and if not- what’s that like?
You might get emotionally activated! You might even say, no way! And that’s all welcome here!
And then, my ask, is that you take a moment to check it out on the inside, and ask some questions about why? And if those thoughts and feelings are true, of you? What else feels more true, more alive- for you.
Because when I did that, I found so many messages, and beliefs that weren’t actually mine. I was operating from a place of conditioning- while my own beautiful brilliance was trapped, and stuck and hard to access.
Living from messages that weren’t my own truth looked like me promising myself to do better, and be better, and try harder- and every day finding myself frustrated, overwhelmed and worried. All of this fueled behaviors that were so unlike the kind of mama I dreamed of being.
I could get my kids to do almost anything I wanted them to- we could put up a really good looking front, but it took a lot of force, manipulation and control. The control required my kids to comply with my agenda. If they did not do what I wanted, I got all huffy and mad and barked at them to pick things up, quiet down, wash their face, get off the screens, eat more whole food- the message was, you are doing it all wrong, do it better, be more, change- do it, for me.
I feel the tenderness rising in me, remembering a younger time when I felt myself trying to be something for someone else- changing, covering my brilliance, taking on the messages.
Whew! Even as I type this- and recount the ways, it feels heavy.
Recognizing that, slowing way down, and really taking a deeper look at why I acted out on my kids, doing that deep inquiry we just talked about, another deeper sense rose in me, a desire to connect, instead.
I don’t know about you, but if someone wants my cooperation- it goes over a lot better if they can see me, right where I am, and ask how it is for me, and then invite me into the moment with them.
If I’m being told to follow someone else’s agenda, or accomplish a task for them that doesn’t include my wanting, then I’m going to resist! How about you? What do you notice?
I saw how the way I was treating myself inside, controlling, coercing, shaming- trying to be perfect, to change, to be something else than I was in the moment, and I could then see how I was passing that template of being onto my kiddos.
I felt so powerless when my kids wouldn’t come along with my grand plan, and I saw how it was really inside of me, those feelings, and thoughts that turned into behaviors.
3 Steps you can take towards your internal experience
Close your eyes
Put your hand on your heart
Just notice, without trying to fix or change or repress
For me, it took a lot of practice, of tuning into the deeper desire for connection that saw us all to a place of cooperation. When I was willing to cooperate with the tender part of me that felt like she had to change to be loved, I then turned to my kiddos with deep compassion for their reality which is powerlessness- they’re kids! They’re stuck with me!
Meeting them right where they are, I then invite them into cooperation in the moment and we are in!