Hello Loves! We’ve been working through some of the deeper feelings that drive your behavior in parenting over the last few blogs.
We moved through cooperation versus compliance.
Last week we talked about the energetics of rage and how when that rage arises inside of us it basically takes over the body and acts out.
Once it does, and then happens over and over, what do you notice?
I know I would make promises to myself, inside, about how to be better. I would fall asleep making a list of things I needed to work on, to change. I would be calmer, I would finally get organized, I would get down on the kid’s level, I wouldn’t yell or shame them, I would eat better meals, go to bed on time, and squeeze in some reading while they napped rather than scrolling Instagram.
And then BOOM, the next morning my kiddos would wake me up wanting breakfast right away. I would see the piles of laundry waiting to be folded, a few remnants of yesterday’s messes that didn’t quite get picked up the night before… and it was as if I had failed before the day even started. I felt that rage again, about how it’s never-ending- I can’t get what I WANT! even tho I promised myself just the night before I would be different.
Right on the heels of that rage was so much disappointment- another feeling I had organized my life not to feel.
My first step of not feeling was to then project that disappointment out onto my kiddos. If they would just clean up after themselves, if they would just get their own breakfast, if they would just listen when I asked them to do their lessons, or go play outside, then I could actually be the good mom I was trying so hard to be. I looked around and said to myself- other moms are doing it, maybe my kids are just more difficult, why do they fight? other kids don’t!
Disappointment is just so heavy- so heavy. I felt trapped and stuck and wanted so much an escape from this pattern. I was so desperate- I would overpower, then feel guilty, then promise to do better, then fail, and rage and rinse, wash, repeat.
I try hard- it’s one of my main operatives! If something doesn’t work, I try a new thing. If I get curious, I try a new thought or idea. When I make a mistake I try try try harder the next time. There is a lot of trying over here. It comes from a very young and precious part of me that decided and then believed that I could try my way into love.
But what I notice now as an adult- is that the harder I try the heavier the disappointment- take that one in for a minute?
I try and try and try- and each time I’m TRYING, it’s about getting the external to cooperate and change the environment around me so my insides can feel good. It JUST DOESN’T WORK. I did it for years and I still do sometimes.
Rather than stay with my disappointment I go to this place of trying, striving, promising I could and would do better, that I could be better. Sometimes the flip side of that. I give up, and say it doesn’t even matter anyway. We just suck at this, and fight and are lazy and no good- and so we will all just be horrible in the end. Whew! It’s intense, yeah?
At the center of this energetic dynamic was my struggle to get my environment to reflect to me a state of goodness that wasn’t true- it was a fantasy! I was trying so very hard to get my kids to meet my needs. I desperately wanted them to cooperate with me – to make me feel good!
Here’s what I know now. That was never their job- they could not fix a problem they didn’t create! From a very young and vulnerable place inside of me, I perceived them as a threat to my goodness, on an emotional level. I could not get this right!
So I took the work inside of me.
I noticed that all the strong shame and frustration I was overpowering my children with- was first happening inside of me.
I was so self-aggressive on the inside. With all this promising to be different.
It’s so deep, the ways we feel we disappointed our caregivers as children- right?
It goes so deep.
So in a quiet moment of pause- in my SafeSeat. I became aware, that it was my own self-loathing and self-berating, that kept me in an energy dynamic of feeling this horrible weight of disappointment.
A pause- and a choice to offer love to this part of me that couldn’t bear to feel disappointment all the way through.
Saying to her- Oh Love! Of course, you want to be found ‘good’ and held in high regard. You work SO HARD to make sure everyone has what they need and even want, and you get tired and you give and give and give- Oh LOVE! I see you, and I’ve got you. You are Loved. You are good- for being just who you are. You don’t need to change a single thing! Even your disappointment.