Today, we woke up a little late and I didn’t look at the clock until 15 minutes before we needed to leave the house. Before then, I’d been going slow, having my tea and enjoying the pace of the morning. I still remember looking at the clock and feeling as if a switch had been turned on. I moved into a state of fear. Fear of being late, fear of not getting back in time for my session, which led to fear of not making enough money to pay my mortgage, which led to fear of losing my house, which led to fear of being destitute, which led to its all up to me, which led to this is too much, which led to I can’t do this, which led to yelling at my daughter to hurry up, which triggered her fear, which fueled mine which ignited a fire that swept through the house consuming us both raging and destroying anything in its path. You or me babe, one of us is going down and if I go I’m taking you with me. Whew!!!!
Did I really sign up for this? Yes, yes, yes and yes for LOVE can contain the greatest fire of all. Right in the middle of the hottest moment, I let go, I threw my hands up and laid my fear in the fire surrendering it all. I collapsed on my couch, opening to all the feelings that came rushing in begging for love. And in a moment love appeared catching me in her loving grip, embracing all that I’d held down for a life time. All that was left was a calm I can’t even describe. I moved toward my daughter and guided her out of the danger zone and into the arms of love.
As we were driving she asked me why I had to book a session right after dropping her off. She wanted to know couldn’t I make one later? I heard myself begin to explain that I had to work when folks could come, and I needed the work to pay for our house and then suddenly I stopped. Maybe even this isn’t true I thought. Maybe even this has been based in fear. I looked back at her and said, “Maybe, I don’t even have to work, maybe even this I can hand to the angels.” She looked at me and said, “Who are those guys?” LOL Smiling inside, I thought to myself, I see them everywhere. They are my friends who offer so much support, they are my mom’s group who share so openly, they are my parents who have demanded so little of me in these last years, they are the trees and the flowers that bring such delight….They are everywhere, when I really open and let them in. Opening to fear, sharing it with you allows me to soften, feel tender and take your hand….you too are my angel.