Hey Mama… are you at the point of no return? Have you been there recently? You’ve probably been there before, yeah?
I was the one catching all the hot potatoes of feelings from my kiddos. I was taking all of their unresolved emotional energy into my experience, and making it personal.
I was receiving all that external intensity and shoving it somewhere down inside of me.
Then I would get so full, overstuffed. Still, intensity would rise up and I’d repress it. After all I was determined to be a peaceful and calm mom who never yelled, or got frustrated- more conscious.
So I would repress, and repress and repress…
Until WHAMO! I hit the point of no return and I yelled at my kids, shaming them and even walking away and hiding in my bed or my car.
I hated the way I acted when I hit the point of no return and all those repressed feelings just came roaring up. The things I said to them, or didn’t say. The ways I grabbed and moved their things. I hated the thoughts that raced through my mind about what I actually wanted to do – drive away and leave them, call my husband, and unload it on him. It all felt so wild and unreasonable- and it happened so much!
I was working so hard, and I’m sure you are too- I talk to parents all the time that so deeply want, and are striving to be, the very best parent to their beloved child. What I notice is that it comes in the form of restraining yourself, repressing your feelings, and avoiding discomforts. All in a grand attempt to be the parent you’ve always dreamed of being!
I so get it! Here we are, working to be more conscious, and yet there is a common misconception that that means we have to act peaceful and calm all the time.
In Purejoy we use the SafeSeat practice to work the point of no return in a different way, and this is where it all shifted for me as a mama, and beyond!
When you hit the point of no return, rather than repressing, restraining, or avoiding- your work is to bring consciousness to what is going on in your internal experience.
The key is to focus your attention on what is coming up for you on the inside, rather than focusing on your child’s behavior. That might be your own body sensations, your feelings, your thoughts- or a mix of those parts of your experience. A focus on the child’s behavior actually centers your consciousness on them- rather than becoming conscious of your own experience and what is arising in you.
With your attention out- your consciousness on them, you are missing what is arising in you and it builds and builds and builds until you hit that point of no return.
Imagine a pressure cooker- the steam has to be released occasionally or the whole thing will just BLOW.
So this week- try bringing your attention to your experience when the intensity comes up in your home, in your parenting. As you do, see what happens when you offer kindness to the internal pressure instead of offloading it onto your kids. If so you won’t get so caught up in the mom guilt cycle, beating yourself up for how you acted, how you’re not getting it right, and how you are ruining your child.
If you don’t do this- let the pressure off a bit, take the focus back inside- you explode at the point of no return. Usually, when that happens you are then acting out early childhood strategies- such as running away, screaming at your child, or trying to control the external environment which was smart as a child.
When that happens you look around at what has just happened- how you acted out a young strategy and start to beat yourself up.
I’ve read all the books…
I know how to be conscious (forced calm)…
I’m supposed to be regulated…
When you do this- in Purejoy we say, you are refusing to be intimate with exactly where you are in the present moment.
What would it be like rather than beating yourself up to say this to yourself?
My energy really came up in that moment…
Things got really intense inside of me…
I didn’t know how to ground that charge, no one taught me that and I haven’t practiced that one…
My energy did blow…
The crazy thing about it is – when you do hit the point of no return whatever action you take, the young strategy that plays out, brings release- and for a brief moment, it feels good. It resolves the intensity.
When you look out and see the mess that your explosion created when you see the mess or your child’s reaction- the backlash comes rushing in and the guilt and shame are right there and if you repress those feelings, or try to control your environment- the cycle starts all over again.
This is why in Purejoy the support is to practice this beautiful and challenging step of turning the focus of your awareness back inside yourself- and see what else might be possible if you are truly more conscious of YOU!