Are you afraid to ask for what you want? As a child when you asked were you told you wanted too much or your parent expected you not to ask because they didn’t want to set their personal boundary? I learned to NOT ASK which meant I became self-reliant and independent which was a high value in my family. I took pride in my capacities and saw others who asked for a lot as needy and dependent.
So, when I am faced with my dependency needs intense feelings arise which I’ve spent most of my life trying not to feel. I’d do almost anything not to feel those feelings which means I’ll often do things when I really need help from others.
I project onto my daughter that she will be disgusted by my needs (because I am) and she so beautifully plays out that dynamic with me. I ask for help and she rolls her eyes and grunts and in that moment I am flooded with feelings of shame for being needy and weak and turn inward and become aggressive to the “needy” part in me. I want to beat her up and stuff her back in the closet. I believe in that moment it is too painful to feel the rejection of my needs. THIS IS THE MOMENT where I get to bravely practice offering kindness to the needy one in me instead of expecting my daughter to be kind to me when I’m not. It is SO hard and yet I’ve found this is the KEY to reclaiming a beautiful young part of me who is longing to be included and loved. Instead of making my daughter wrong or bad for not taking care of my needs I am able to look in the mirror and realize she is only reflecting how I treat myself.
As I unwind this insidious pattern internally I understand the root and am able, in my parenting, to offer my daughter a different experience. By setting my personal boundaries I don’t act as if I’m put upon when she expresses her needs. I am able to say, “good for you for asking and this is what I have to offer”. Instead of rolling my eyes and grunting I am able to make space for her to ask and ask and ask. I truly believe opening to our desire is what will change the world so I’m committed to loving my desires and hers. It is not easy to turn back toward my desires and it may not be easy to step toward yours and yet together we can do this.
Let’s open the door together. I see it as our time is NOW and it is up to us as mamas to lead the way.