Picking up where we left off last time- powerlessness.
For me, it often comes up when I just can’t get what I want, which is usually some kind of cooperation- then the powerlessness I feel inside triggers rage, and that’s when I behave in ways that don’t feel true of me. I overpower my kids, I start self-aggressing, beating myself up for how I acted and it feeds a negative cycle. Do you do this? It is really exhausting!
Having more capacity for the intense charge of rage, after lots of practice in Purejoy, what I’ve learned, simply put, is that it’s human to experience all feelings off and on. I know when I began this work there were certain feelings I did not want to stay with and experience. One of them was rage! What do you notice about your experience of rage?
Let’s take a closer look at the energetics of rage.
Rage is hot! Really, really hot! It’s spicy and intense!
Just close your eyes for a minute and think about a behavior you see in your child that you often get mad about, something you hate- whining, clinging, eye rolls, door slams? Messes?… you feel that?
And as you feel it getting hotter, you notice yourself calling on your control strategies to command compliance- you’ll do anything to STOP the intensity building inside. It’s SO hard to contain it without acting out or imploding in!
A switch goes off inside- a very young part of you gets activated. All of a sudden you see your child as a threat on an emotional level. It’s as if they are out to get you- because if they loved you, they would cooperate, yeah?
Going under that- imagine yourself as a child. A desire arises or you want something and you need cooperation from your caregiver. You look for the energy to be received and met. You innocently believe that you will get support for getting what you want.
Most likely that’s not what happened. Your parents saw you as rude, greedy, and demanding. Your innocent desire triggered something in them and they made your desire bad and wrong since it triggered their vulnerability which they didn’t know how to be with.
You had these big beautiful desires and when you were seeking support BOOM! You hit a wall inside because your parents had resistance. The unresolved energy of your desires got really bottled up inside.
Over and over this happened until you chose to organize your life to repress the energy of your desires. And yet your desires are still inside hidden away, deep down. It’s a matter of hide and seek and you’ve hidden them well.
You have it together until you ask your child to do something and they say NO! Or won’t get off their phone, or pick up the legos, or just stop crying. FOUND! And then all that bottled-up desire and intensity comes rushing up in you- rage! And before you know it you’re screaming at your kid, or trying to get away, or if you’re like me, speaking sharply and threatening.
It is so hard, so fast, so hot- especially if you haven’t learned how to work with the energetics of rage.
Slow this way down… it’s a big one, because most likely what you really don’t like here is your behavior, right? How you yell, coerce, punish and shame your kids. No one likes to be in that place. Then you spiral into self-aggression beating yourself up, and it’s that exhausting cycle again – yeah?
In Purejoy we say- when your child can’t get what they desire, and their energy gets big and intense, they throw you the hot potato! The energy comes blasting out into the environment around in hopes of support from you. Your child innocently believes you will know what to do with it, but likely you were never supported on an emotional level to know what to do. You’ve got a hot potato in your hands!
With practice, you learn to contain the heat, gather that energy up and tend it into a beautiful warm fire supporting the desires that are needing to be explored and created in their experience.
Rage like fire.
You can work with the energetics of rage, right now, as an adult rather than repress, or act it out- but to tend to it just like you would a campfire. What do you notice if you imagine working with your rage as a campfire?
Left unattended it can get out of control, and start a wildfire- it can get dangerous.
If you dump a bunch of water on it, repress it, you may lose the flame, the fire goes out and then you’re cold and dark and your energy is gone.
Keeping it safely contained gives you warmth, it’s nice to sit around, it’s beautiful, and you can even make s’mores! The energy is safe and attended to, it’s supported.
Purejoy supports you in not trying to get rid of the rage, which is what most people would rather talk about. I know that was how I viewed it before too. I don’t want to feel this!
But the truth is, the feeling is here, so what would it be like to turn towards it. You can choose how to act, and not express that fiery energy in a way that gets out of control- just like your campfire.
Curious to meet your rage- here’s a process to work with it.
First, set up a SafeSeat practice by signing up for a free 5-day email course from Purejoy.
And then, remember when you believe you absolutely have to have cooperation, drop down to what you really want, that innocent desire of wanting, and when you’re met with a no- when this energy arises in you- it’s yours! Your kiddos don’t cause it and they cant fix it. Just notice what comes up, for you.
In this way, as you welcome your rage, it potentially becomes the great awakener, all those sensations and feelings are expressions of your life force energy- coming back into your own knowing from all those times before when you denied your experience because you couldn’t get the support you needed to stay with it.
Play with this! Let us know how it goes!