It is part of the human condition that children need connection, both physically and emotionally, with their caregiver.
As a babe- your life depended on it. Love was the greatest commodity.
If you couldn’t connect as yourself- at some point you most likely developed a strategy to become what your caregiver preferred to stay in the love when you felt like you could not get what you needed or wanted.
If not considered in adulthood- those strategies may show up in your parenting.
I know they did for me.
When I felt like I couldn’t get the connection I wanted when I was young- I tried harder to be good, I found a new way to do something more, I chose to act in ways that I perceived were impressive- I could always do better! I was my own ultimate fixer upper project.
Of course becoming a mother my focus was set towards connection- and that my kids would never feel disconnected.
I was well into my parenting when I sensed that all my wanting was not working! My kiddos were frustrated by me, I would lash out and shame and blame them into getting the results I wanted.
I felt like I was becoming the very mom I swore I would NEVER be.
I was applying my strategy of connection- and it was pushing my kiddos away.
The harder I tried to find the perfect organizer for their toys, the more beautiful curriculum for their school work, the more idyllic house for their childhood- they were flooded, with having to go there with me, rather than just be in our moments together- in reality.
I engulfed them with my strive towards perfection.
It landed me flat on my butt- burnout and quitting.
Literally and metaphorically. They didn’t need ‘better me’.
It was exhausting to not be myself, to be striving to purchase love.
The truth was- I couldn’t do it all, I was needy and limited and everything I was pursuing out there was already within me, and turning towards it was exactly what we all could relax in.
When I found the SafeSeat and started to admit that there was a part of me inside longing for it to be ok to rest, and create and dream. I relaxed, and offered to myself what I was so desperately seeking from someone, something, some scenario I kept trying to find out there.
My oldest talks about what it was like to be along for my self-improvement ride, and how hard it was to get close to me when there was no room for any of us to have a need, or a want or a breakdown.
I’m so grateful that we are a blob of perfectly imperfect now- we find the pockets of both connection and separation and in the middle of it emerges a relationship that feels true and supportive.