RAGE is a terrifying emotion to turn towards with kindness.
RAGE, in my family, was explosive and volatile and often expressed in destructive ways.
Having experienced the destructive behavior of a raging mom I organized my life to never feel this powerful emotion out of an imagined fear that I would behave like her.
Adopting my daughter I never even considered that RAGE would awaken from the depths of my being. Burying it deep down in my psyche along with feeling powerless, helpless and rejected was my young strategy to survive. Closing the doorway to my vulnerable HEART was second nature, so much so that I never considered motherhood would fiercely blow the door to smithereens.
Somehow, in my naivety, I imagined I would only express loving, happy feelings as a mom. I’d waited for what felt like an eternity to find the courage to realize my desire to be a mother. Having done a tremendous amount of therapy and spiritual work I felt confident that I had slayed the RAGE dragon which haunted me from childhood.
I longed to give my daughter the emotionally safe environment I’d never experienced and had a belief that to do this RAGE was not welcome in our home.
And yet, RAGE became the doorway to my HEART: the great awakener.
The more I tried to limit my daughter’s behavior the stronger her RAGE expressed itself. I was “in the weeds” and all my early strategies to slay the dragon only fueled her RAGING fire more. I tried timing it out, pleasing and placating, consequencing and punishing, bargaining and rationalizing, offering love and understanding and yet none of my strategies penetrated her vulnerable HEART.
Only when I bravely looked in the mirror and saw the RAGE was mine did I finally walk towards it naked and vulnerable offering it the recognition and validation it was desperately seeking. My RAGE was the gatekeeper of my tender young vulnerable HEART longing to be seen and held. Honoring it as the great protector allowed me to enter into the deep recesses of my psyche to liberate my precious tender HEART waiting to return home.
My daughter was the bearer of the greatest gift of all. She illuminated my RAGE by expressing hers. Finally, understanding the function of RAGE in myself I could see it in her.
Today, I courageously walk towards RAGE offering my tender vulnerable HEART at the door and amazingly it opens to reveal the innocent longing waiting be held and seen for who I truly am: LOVE.