Do you ever hear yourself saying to your kids, “You need to…..” Maybe, it’s cleaning their room, or eating their vegetables….homework anyone?
Of course, you need your child to do what they are supposed to do, right?
And yet, when you refuse to take responsibility for it being your need, not your child’s you are giving them a mixed message. Inside, they are thinking “I don’t need to clean my room. It’s fine with me”.
The discomfort is yours not theirs and honestly, they aren’t causing your emotional discomfort by not cleaning their room. Your NEED is causing your discomfort and expecting your child to meet it with open loving arms.
In my experience that never happened.
The BIG question I learned to ask myself is “why do I need her to do something?”
Nine times out of ten there was a strong emotional component that ended up with me feeling rejected and abandoned if my daughter didn’t do what I needed her to do. I noticed I didn’t feel important or loved. ARG!
Now, this was a HUGE insight and not a pleasant one. I was attaching my daughter meeting my emotional need through “taking the recycling out” as an indicator of whether I was important.
That had to stop!
Once I separated out the emotional need I was attaching to the practical chores things deeply shifted inside. Instead of looking for evidence that “I didn’t matter” I stepped up to the plate to support my daughter in doing practical tasks that weren’t exactly her high value.
Complaining while still doing the practical task wasn’t a statement about ME. It was about her.
Slowly, as she developed more capacities we shared the household task, and if she struggled I supported her instead of shaming her!
Take time this week to ask yourself, “Are my emotions mixed up with practical tasks?”
If so, take to your SafeSeat offering yourself the emotional holding you need, and then come alongside your child as they grow into their greater capacities of enjoying the practical tasks.